Counting the Lasts

     The ways of life are ever changing. As time goes on and childhood ends one starts to count all of the "lasts." There is the last day of class, the last family photo, the last prom, and the last performance. It is sad, but it is rewarding to look back at all you have accomplished.
   
     In a striking way, it reminds me of when I had to move almost four years ago. Counting the lasts is a painful experience but it is a necessary one.
   
    This past week I got to experience Tech Week and acting on stage with my drama troupe for the last time. I tried to make sure that I enjoyed every minute of it. I tired to relish the joy and the work of putting together the show. I think that I can truly say that it was good.
   
    In my last post I talked about playing a villain. It was definitely an interesting part to play. It took a lot of energy! Since the character was totally unlike me in real life  I had to delve the deepest I have ever delved to get into character. If I wasn't convinced, how could the audience be? I literally stood on the side of the stage clenching my fists and building up some sort of rage so that I could be prepared to let loose my "dark side!"

      Being a villain has its perks, though. I had the wonderful opportunity to be taught stage fighting by a theater professor! Stage fighting is so unique and coordinated. My favorite movement was when I had to jump on the back of a fellow actor and then fall to the floor. There is lots of planning involved! Every move is planned out to the last detail and practiced over and over again so that no one gets seriously injured.

     We did have injuries though. My knees and arms got banged up, and somehow I twisted my ankle. However, I choose to think of these as part of the job, an occupational hazard if you will.

     Drama has taught me that you don't need to be in the spotlight to have influence. You can only be on the stage for a few minutes and still have an impact. Each job has a specific purpose just as each person has a specific role that only he or she can fill. I love acting. I love theater. I love the ins and outs of the whole operation. It is a wonderful thing and I hope that I can continue to do it in the future.
   
     I will miss my drama troupe desperately. They are a great group of people. But at the same time I can truly say that they have given me the launching pad to do something greater. I don't know what it is yet, but I can thank them for enriching me to grow as a person and an actor. That should be the point of acting. It shouldn't be for the fame or the stage time. We should act to influence the people around us.

Being the Villain

     How do you portray someone who isn't you? This probably sounds like a really whimsical, rhetorical question, but for me it is not.
 
     Part of being an actor and a writer and a storyteller is to view a story from a specific point of view (commonly called a POV). Sometimes you get to completely create a POV, and other times is it given to you.
   

    Don't get me wrong. 

 
    Acting from a specific perspective is why I love acting and storytelling. That is why it is fun. It is the chance to try something new and exciting. Impersonating someone else is interesting and thrilling. It's my hobby.
   
    Just because it is fun doesn't mean it is easy. Over the past few years, I have played characters on the theater stage who have had attributes who were similar to my own. I played women who were funny, lighthearted, kind of crazy, but who genuine cared for people. (For those of you who know the story of Pride and Prejudice, I got the privilege of playing the beloved Mrs. Bennet.) Those were fun characters to play.
   
    This is year it's different. Since it is my senior year, I wanted a challenge, and I got it. In the production of Nicholas Nickleby I play two female characters who are the complete opposite of me. I am playing villains, which is a new experience.
   
    Playing characters who are so debase and so self-centered that they abuse other people is so foreign to me. These characters physically abuse (by the means of kicking, hitting, starving, gagging, and strangling) young kids who are helpless. They sell their own children into marriage for money. (I'm telling you, they are some pretty evil people.) It astonishes me how someone could be so cruel, although I know that there are people today who practice similar atrocities.
   
    From an actor's perspective, these are prime characters to play! I get to do many cool things on stage that are specific to my role. I have been privileged to learn fighting on stage techniques from a theater professor! I get to do my own stunts on stage, which has been extremely fun (and painful)!
   
     From my perspective, I have found it difficult to get into character for these roles. Since they are so different from my own ideals it almost pains me to portray someone so evil. To get into the mindset of a person so angry that she would beat a kid is hard. I have to close my eyes and make myself view the scene from a view of an angry, domineering bully. (It also doesn't help when my fellow actors laugh because it is so weird seeing me in character. ;D)
   

     Then again, I find the challenge exciting. 

     It is taking a little more effort than usual, but the end product in March will be worth it! It will definitely NOT be me on stage. It will be the person that I thank the Lord he hasn't let me become. And that is a praise that I am gratefully for. In this play I am showing the audience the darkness so that the light can shine even brighter. In the end, I get punished for my crimes, and that will be a fun scene to play!

Chapter 2

So my new writing project is coming along.

However, it's coming along very slowly, as I guess most books do.

With all of the other projects that I am working on, I can only devote about an hour and a half a week to this. It's not much, I know, but at least it is steady, which is a big deal for me.

Here is chapter 2.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KagRxz8UGSu3LDSKvq5R7tVEm2qk0fWBdAehFflHdQA/edit?usp=sharing

Again, I just want to remind you that this is the rough draft. I am just trying to get it out there for comments!

Buffet of Life

     Which is more terrifying? Not knowing what you want to do with your life in the future? Or being decided but not knowing if it will ever happen?
   
     Worrying about the future takes up so much of our time and effort! We can spend hours on end thinking about something that has a great likelihood of never happening! So much emotion can be wrapped up in a superficial figment of our imagination. I know that I have wasted sleep on ideas about my life.
   
     Senior year (and all of high school really) is usually devoted to making the final decision of how we would like to spend the rest of our life. It is as if we could walk of to the Buffet of Life and pick our platter.

     "And what would you like, miss?" The buffet attender asks, eyeing the customer with suspicion.
     "You know, I am really not sure." The young girl hesitantly answers.
     The attender's jaw drops opens in surprise! "How can you not be sure? After all, you have spent all of your life waiting in line to prepare yourself for this moment! Haven't your parents ordered their platter before you? Haven't they made their decision, and advised you what to do?"
     "Well, yes. But they didn't care for their choice. As they look back, sometimes they don't feel like they picked the right thing."
     "This is the most important part of your life, kid. Haven't you been told that?"
     "You bet. I have received invitations to multiple places, but each of them seems like the same deal. What if I make the wrong choice? Can't I just come back later to decide? I'm only seventeen."
     The attendant leans closer to make sure that the teenager can perfectly understand his words. "This is a one and only offer. If you don't pick now, you will be in shambles for the rest of your life. Leaving high school into the real world is a big deal."
     "Haven't I been living in the real world? Hasn't my childhood, with all of its hopes, dreams, and horrible failures done enough damage to be considered real? Isn't every decision we make going to influence us in some way? Yes. I know it is going to be hard being an adult. But being a child has its problems to that are difficult too."
     "Look, kid. I am going to give you a deal. You can pick two. You can choose a career and a family. That will get you out of the tough zone, but eventually you are going to have to give one up. You also better choose a new religion too, because there are a bunch of experienced critics out there who know all the answers that you don't have. Don't act surprised, It's just part of being an adult, you never know which direction to go."
     "It seems like a never ending maze. I don't think I can handle making all of these life changing decisions on my own." The customer shakes her head in utter despair. The idea of making a wrong choice weighed on her heart with alarming heaviness.
     "You don't have to make them alone." A voice calls from the end of the buffet line. It is thundering voice full of power, but also gentle and assuring at the same time. It is the owner of the restaurant. It is the owner of Life. He walks toward her, every step taken with authority. He stands next to her and puts His pierced hand on her shoulder.
     A smile crosses her lips. "I know you," she says. "You own this place."
     "Yes, I do, and I've got the platter for you. I know you inside and out. Rest assured, I know exactly what you need. I can take you where you need to go. It won't seem perfect at the first glance, and it may taste weird or burn your throat. But that's the beauty of it. After the initial shock of the unexpected, it will be just right. It will all be fine, dear one."
     He takes her delicate hands in His, and she leans upon His shoulder with a childlike dependence. "When I was little my parents chose for me, and now I have you to guide my decisions. I guess I never will really grow up at all."

     For all of us seniors, or those who are about to make a seemingly huge choice, I just want to throw a reminder out there. God's got a plan. Where ever you go or whatever you do, it is exactly the place He wants you to be.

 There are no mistakes. 

There are no coincidences. 

There is only a plan.

New Writing Project

     So I've mentioned before that I enjoy writing. It is a fun way to get my imagination working. I also believe that the Lord gives me the creative ideas to put into stories. Sometimes I look back on what I have written and wonder how that could have come out of my mind.
     I also have a tendency of starting a writing project and not finishing it. Unfortunately, I do it a lot. Long novels take a lot of time and energy to write! I did write a full length fantasy novel when I was fourteen, but that took a lot of patience and determination.
     After I wrote Return to Tirinth, I had decided that that was a once in a lifetime kind of deal. That there was no way that I could do another one. Well, that concept worked for about a year until I came across a writing prompt on Pinterest. It was very interesting and sparked my imagination right off.
                                                   What if memories were money? 
     And my mind went "Whoa!" That was it. I couldn't stop thinking about that concept. I tried and tried to get it out of my head. I told myself that I didn't have the time to write another book, I am a senior in highschool, which means I will probably still be writing it in college, and I am working and doing all sorts of stuff. I could probably only work on it once a week. But it still didn't go away. I think it is a God thing. Unconsciously, I would daydream characters and plots and subplots and development and eventually created a world. So guess what I am doing now. Writing.
     I wanted to let you know that I am four chapters in now, which is about 37 pages at the moment. I am writing in first person, which is totally unlike me. There is depth about these characters which I have never delved into before. I decided that I am going to post the first chapter and hopefully get some feedback. I want to let you know beforehand that I might not finish the story, but I will certainly try to keep up with it. I also want to warn you that this is a first rough draft. It is raw material.
     So here is a link to Google docs for the first chapter of my new writing project (by the way, it doesn't have a title yet.)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qzLnJPS64SpPh-iJJIsvq_8oQ3HrIPVvrdYJFa1crP8/edit?usp=sharing

After the Curtain Opens

     I don't know why exactly I started this blog in the first place. It was kind of just placed on my heart that I should start one, although I didn't think my life was that interesting. To be honest, this blog has turned into a place where I can reveal what the Lord has been teaching me. It has been a testimony for me and (hopefully) for you.
   
    I thoroughly enjoy writing. It is relaxing and releasing at the same time. Occasionally, I will get writing "longings." This might sound weird, but it is an urge to write. There is a little heaviness inside of me and I have this strong desire to write something.
 
     I get the same 'longing" feeling for acting and singing. Thankfully, I get to do both during the school year. Choir just ended last week, and I am so happy that I got to be a part of a wonderful homeschool choir! It was a blast.
   
    Choir is hard work. It may seem like just singing a fun tune on a stage, but underneath the surface there is a lot more work that goes into creating a show. I can't describe how many diverse jobs there are to build the performance. I probably don't even know all of them. But instead of worrying about all the other jobs that have to get done, I constantly remind myself to focus on my tiny part, and do that job as best as I can.
   
   

     I am a performer. (You've probably guessed that by now.) I enjoy putting on entertainment for a crowd. There is deep sense of satisfaction in making people enjoy their time and creating an environment where they can be fully immersed. I love the lights, the costumes, and the rush of adrenaline before the curtain opens. I enjoy it because I can forget the audience is there and be wrapped in bringing to life something that is beautiful and inspiring. I love singing the gorgeous melodies that make the audience sigh with contentment. I have fun being crazy to invoke an honest laugh that cannot be contained. When I am up on stage, there is no doubt in my mind that that is where I am supposed to be.
 
    Nevertheless, I get nervous! So nervous! Before the adrenaline kicks in, there are the nerves, crawling at me, taunting me, laughing at my pitiful attempts to be a star. Before the curtain open, my confidence is closed and contained behind the gnawing doubt that I might fail. My body shakes, ready to just start the show already. My fists clench tight so that no one else can see them trembling. For weeks and weeks ahead I prayed that I would forget myself and just enjoy what God made me to do. However, the last few minutes of taunting solitude are the most depressing time of the whole semester of practicing for that moment.
 

   The lights are on. The curtains open. The music starts.

   
   Without thinking, I am thrown into the moment of trying to remember every tiny choreographed detail that I have been trying to cram into my brain. Where to stand, when to step, how high to sing, when to take a breath. But it works. The performance I have dreamed of just flows out of me.
 
    I always say that after the first song or scene, I am perfectly fine. The nerves run away after that. It was true for the concert. I just enjoyed myself. I was in raptures! I was doing the thing that I love, that I had memorized each detail, that I had put so much work and time into, I was singing. The crowd always seems to melt away, they disperse until all I can think about it how much fun it is. The Lord was my crowd, and He didn't care one bit that I slipped up a few times.
 

  Beautiful. That is the best word I can use to describe it.

   
    Fulfilling a part of your purpose before the One who created you to do it is so rewarding. For those who were at the concert, my face was probably full of joy because that was what was in my heart. He removed my failings from the mix, and I could just be me. And it fit perfectly.



For those who would like to see a video of my solo please tell. I would be glad to show you.

Sometimes Courage Is Saying "No"

(Warning: Content may be hard for people-pleasers.)

     I firmly believe that every individual person on this earth is jam-packed with numerous personality traits. God went all out creating a perfectly unique version of you that is so complex that it is impossible to recreate. Personality quizzes, like the Meyers Briggs or the ones you find on Facebook, are cool and occasionally accurate, but they can never truly explain who you are. You probably don't even know all the little quirks you have that makes God smile because

IT IS YOU. 

That is an incredible thing that I love about human beings!
   
    Since we are an incredible melting pot of attributes, there are most likely some that we share in common. (By the way, I wholeheartedly advice you to learn who you are. It doesn't matter if your a tweenager, teenager, or adult. Knowing the little things about you is an incredible discovery that I am still enjoying.) In this post, I want to connect with the people-pleasers out there.
   

   You know who you are. ;) 

    You are the kind of person who is really compassionate, slightly vain (admit it), always wanting to help a friend out, a perfectionist in some areas, perhaps the teacher's pet, that person in class who gets an A's not because they are extremely smart but to make the teacher happy, perhaps you're a performer of some sort, or you work in customer service. People like you because you follow the rules, always seem pleasant, willing to help extra, or easily persuaded. I am sure you are not all of these things. This description doesn't fully describe me.
   
    If you relate to maybe a couple of these traits, I want to have a little chat with you. I am a people-pleaser. You bet I am! I am the first child, which I guess could add to it, but it is also a part of my personality. Being willing to help others out and being compassionate is a really good thing! The Bible encourages us to be kind and compassionate, and says that encouragement is a spiritual gift! Woohoo! Great job! This probably comes easy to you!
   
    However, every trait has a flip-side. If you are anything like me you probably are easily persuaded. Have you ever taken the leadership role, not because you are a natural born leader, but no one else stepped up? Or have to tried to help too many people at once that you don't have the time to get any of your personal stuff done. Have you been overwhelmed with other people's problems? Have you been depressed because you felt that you are not enough? If no one encourages you or says you did a good job, do you feel devoid of a purpose? Basically, I am preaching to myself. This is me.
   

 Listen. You and I are not enough! 

    We cannot please everyone we come in contact with! We are going to fail, sometimes drastically. We will sometimes not have the right words, enough strength, the right voice, the best attitude, or the best grade. We can be so fake sometimes, acting like our world is butterflies and rainbows so that the people around us will be pleased with our radiant attitude. You and I need to be real. We have got to grasp that we cannot satisfy everyone.
   
    This may sound selfish, but occasionally we need to have a little "me time." We can be kind of obsessed with saying "yes" to every person who asks for our assistance. For us it takes courage to say "no." This is an act that I struggle with. I hate saying "no" to someone who needs me, but if I don't I won't have any time to work on my own projects. I cannot be the permanent crutch for everyone to lean on. It may kill me to refuse to assist, but if I say "no", I am saying "yes" to something better.
   
     So, people-pleasers, this might be a hard pill to swallow (and I hate taking pills) but ultimately it will help us balance out our crazy lives. Perhaps, instead of stretching ourselves out to fill numerous roles, we can become fully devoted to a few and excel at those. How about we try saying "no" together to make our "yes's" even better!