I have been listening to my two beautiful cousins give detailed narratives about how they met their men. They are both gorgeous women, both inside and out; I admire them greatly. As I was intently listening to them, I noticed that they both said similar things. They both had given up trying to find a man and then got brought them wonderful, Godly men out of nowhere. It hit me today. They did not find a man because they were beautiful. They found a man because they were God’s daughters and He saw that it fit into His timing.
Sadly, I had unconsciously come to the conclusion that I was not going to get someone out of chance. There was no way that I would be noticed out of the crowd of girls who are all fighting for the same thing. The majority of girls better fit the common description of what a girlfriend should be. I would be left as a consolation prize. God could find a man for me if He wanted, but if left up to chance, there would be no way. Gosh. I wouldn’t even choose me! If someone was going to notice me, then I had to take matters into my own hands.
It had gotten to the point where I was secretly trying too hard. Others may not have noticed it because I am a generally nice person to everyone, but I know myself too well. I’m annoying. I catch myself striving to get attention. I’m good at it too. I know the right phrases to say, when to say them, how to say them in a way that it not immediately noticeable. It’s terrible! Being a generally nice person comes with the perks of manipulating people kindly without them knowing it.
This is not how I want my love story to be.
When I am telling my children and grandchildren about how I met my love, I don’t want it to be a story of how I caught him. I don’t want it to be a narrative about how I said the right phrases, got him to ask me out, and manipulated him to notice me out of the crowd. That is not the story that I want to tell. That is not the legacy I want to have.
I want to fall in love. Have you ever actually thought about that phrase? Falling is never a naturally pleasant action. It goes against how we were wired. We were created to catch ourselves when we feel that we are falling. It is commonly embarrassing and awkward. Some people fall for the thrill of it, but I don’t think anyone has actually ever been completely confident about falling. It is unexpected.
I don’t want to plan my romance. That is not the role that I think women were made to play. We try to plan out every detail of our lives, from the school where we will go to the color of the flowers at our wedding. Love is something you shouldn’t plan. It needs to be God-inspired.
Recently, I have learned that I cannot guard my own heart. I am a terrible guard. I get hopelessly distracted and by the time that I realize that I am I have already lost a bit of what I was supposed to protect. Thankfully, the Lord has saved me from losing much. However, it is exhausting, all that running back and forth. Every time that I come back I am even more discouraged that I went away.
I cannot trust only myself to guard something so precious as my heart.
So Lord, Daddy, My King, you have got to get a better detail on this treasure. It has got to be more than just me, because I am not doing so well. Cover my eyes when I get distracted, even by good things. Stop my wayward thoughts if it is not the time or the place. Guard me so that I may guard my heart better. Help me to see those around me as just people, not as all future soulmates. Make me totally oblivious to the romance world so that when it is finally time, I can actually fall in love.