Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Guilty About College

I am supposed to go to college. 
     There is no doubt about it. Everything has kind of fallen into place in such a way that some people might think it is fate.

     But I know Who it really is. 

     I have all of my classes picked out, I have miracously won an acting scholarship, all the staff have been so kind and supportive, I've gotten a secret donor, I will have family nearby to comfort me, a great roommate that I already know, and lots of cousins to spend time with. It is all ready.

Image result for bryan college

I am ready to go to college.

     I have mentally prepared myself over and over again that I think I've run over most of the scenarios. My dream of leaving home to explore on my own is about to happen. Eagerly, I long for the adventures that await. I am ready to start learning again. The summer has seemed to drag out so long and yet be swiftly fleeting at the same time. I have my lists, I've gone school supply shopping, and I have my college styled wardrobe. The countdown seems to be ticking ever so slowly.

     And yet...

     I love my life here too. Indiana has been a great home for the last four years. I have enjoyed the people I have gotten to know and the activities I have gotten to relish. In these past years, I have grown so much as an individual and I partially owe it to moving to a new location. Moving was hard but I am so glad we did it. However, now I am rooted in my town, I have a job that I love, and awesome friends.

     I have established an honorable reputation, I think. Over the past few days I have received comments about how I could perhaps get higher positions with more responsibility because people have seen the potential I have in different areas of work and worship. If I stayed, there are many leadership positions I could aim for and perhaps get. As I mention that there is less than a month until my departure, my coworkers and friends are deflated and slightly resentful.

I don't want to feel guilty.

     My parents guard me against feeling guilty that I am going to college. I understand what they are saying, yet I can feel my people pleaser personality slipping back into feeling like I am letting people down. Remarks such as "Well, if you were staying we wouldn't be in such a mess." or "If you didn't have to run off to college I could see you helping us by taking over such and such a position" tingle a pang of guilt inside. The world doesn't rest on my shoulders, but sometimes it seems as if half of it does. And that half is heavy.

I am going to college.

     I have no doubt in my mind that that is where the Lord has planned for me to go. He is the Author of my life. There are unique opportunities here and I think that they are great and wonderful. But Indiana is not the road I am supposed to travel on during this next school year, Bryan College is.

     I am excited to see where this road it leads and I want to transition with no regrets.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Rebekah! We are homeschool friends of Karis :) I love your blog and am excited about all the Lord has done to bring you to Bryan! I pray you have a wonderful year too. Love in Jesus, Mrs. Pam :)