Just to make it clear, I do not want to write this post.
I really do not like the idea of writing about this subject. But I am too good at acting. I am too good at hiding my true feelings when I talk to people, and writing it out helps to clear my head.
Just to warn you, this will be a downer of a post. Don't feel obliged to read this if you don't want to. I am basically writing this to help me unscramble my thoughts and because the Lord is pressing on me to do this.
It is hard when things don't go your way. As children, we would express our disappointment by kicking and screaming at the top of our lungs. Sometimes we were rewarded for our horrific performance, and other times we were told to grow up.
What do you do when you have "grown up?" Kicking and screaming seems kind of ludicrous now. Yet, if you are a person like me, you can easily kick and scream on the inside without flinching on the outside.
As children, we were usually not given the things we wanted because they were bad for us and we didn't quite understand that yet. Our parents would patiently try to explain reason why. Sometimes we got the concept and politely waited for the better substitute. Other times we did it anyway and got burned.
When you are older, you have somewhat learned to analyze and evaluate if something is wise or not. You learn to pray, seek guidance and wait patiently for the outcome. It hurts when your patience isn't rewarded the way you thought it would be.
After praying and seeking the Lord over and over I finally decided last year to apply to only one college. The College of the Ozarks was the perfect fit for me for multiple reasons. My family liked it, my grandparents approved it, the students were dedicated like me, the price was affordable, and the ideals matched my own. The Lord answered specific prayers throughout the scouting of the college and the process of admission. He even provided a huge sponsor to support me. Against the grain of most high school seniors, I took a leap of faith and only applied to that one, confidently knowing that that was where the Lord wanted me to go.
Only to be refused.
After months and months of waiting and praying for patience, I received the letter informing me that although they liked me and I was a good fit for their school, they had other students who had more financial need than me. I am a missionary kid! My family is relying on other families throughout the country to support our salary! Yes, I am on the waiting list and I could be admitted if another candidate drops out but the likelihood of that is minuscule.
This shouldn't effect me in a drastic way. My life really won't change from what it is now and it is a really good one. I've got a great job, awesome friends, and I will just go to the community college.
That is not why I am upset.I am confused more than anything. Why would the Lord give me such a yearning and a deep desire to go to a place miles and miles away only to close the door? I was using my decision to apply to only one college as a tool to show international students what trusting in the Lord means. Now what?
I am bewildered. I keep spinning scenarios in my head trying to understand why I wasn't chosen. Naturally, I am a puzzle solver. That is how I was wired. I relish the challenge of figuring a problem out. But this is one that I can't, and if I try I will go crazy.
I am lost. I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I was sailing so smoothly in one direction that I thought I could see the destination. But now the wind died down and a fog has set in and I can't see where I am going.
My boat is spinning around and around. My compass is not working. I am lost at sea.
Told you this would be a downer. I have a plan B, but I still don't feel like that is the direction I am supposed to go either. I am stuck. Please pray for me. Please pray that the Lord will show me the direction I am supposed to go and that I will understand why He has thrown this twist in the road. I am still running His road, I just can't see where it leads.