When God Says...

     "Alright, Lord. Today is the day. I need to know today if I can go to college again or not."

     This was her prayer as she drove to her first job. Everyday it was the same old routine. Go to work at a daycare with crazy kids from 8 til 5 and then scrub bathroom floors at Chickfila from 7 til 11 at night. There was also the same old prayer that she had been desperately praying every day for the whole summer.

     "Lord, please provide. I know you can; I've seen you provide in crazy ways before. Just please provide now. I want to go back to college so bad that I have a horrible feeling in my gut when I think about being prevented from returning." She would then usually dwindle off in silence, thinking about how awful it would be telling her closest friends that she would not be able to live another year with them.

     That was her usual routine, sometimes broken by moments of absolute trust in the Lord and His ultimate plan for her life. Some days she could bear the thought of not returning because deep down inside she knew that wherever the Lord placed her was where she was supposed to be. But she really just hoped that His plan and her plan were parallel.

     On this day, though, it was the hardest test of faith in this specific circumstance that she had faced all summer. She needed to know today if she would receive enough money to pay for her first semester. $2,000. That number rang in her head all day, along with the tightness in her throat. As she taught the class of four and five-year-old children, she kept catching herself on the verge of tears.

     Nothing came. She plodded through the day, crying while trying to sing praises on her commutes home and numbly accomplishing the tasks in front of her.

God hadn't answered. 

     She was waiting for a sign. A text saying she won another scholarship. An email from a mysterious family friend who wanted to help her out. A hundred dollar bill lying in a gutter. Anything to tell her that the door was still open. She needed it that day.

     Late that night, her parents gently reminded her of something that she had quite forgotten. God doesn't run on human time. Perfect timing is a gift that only He possesses, and we don't know how it works. The door wasn't closed until the day the bill was due.

     Two days later, God said yes. She got three texts from her mother at work, each time confirming another piece of the monetary puzzle. What a relief! She about cried again, while changing diapers, but this time with joy!

     Yes, God gave her the desire that she longed for. In all honesty, an answer was all that she really wanted. If God had said no, than she would have just found the road that He wanted instead. It was the three months of waiting that she despised the most. It was a test of patience. She didn't pass with flying colors, but she had learned that difficult lesson a little more.

God doesn't always say yes, 

but His answer is always the right one. 

I am just really glad that He did!


(Stay tuned! Another year of college adventures is sure to follow!)

Praying in the Playground

     That's right! I said "praying", not "playing" in the playground!

     I have worked at Chickfila for about two years now. It is a job that I absolutely love, even if I do get caught saying "My pleasure" at home! One of the aspects of working there is cleaning the store once we close and all of the customers have left. You know who usually gets stuck with cleaning the playground? This girl! I don't mind it. It is definitely not one of my favorite things to do, but it is kind of nice having some time to yourself after you have been dealing with customers all day.

And it's a good place to pray.

     I have been praying a lot lately. Ever since I went to college I have learned more and more how helpful it is to pray throughout the day no matter where you are at. My commutes to both of my jobs are fun 20 minute rides to have a chat with the Lord. Cleaning the playground is a great place to be alone to pray, while I am sanitizing sticky fingerprints on the plastic walls.

     On this particular Tuesday night I was praying/ranting about a problem that has been on my mind all summer. I want to go back to college. That shouldn't seem like a problem, right? Most people go to college for four years without looking back, and I have only done one. However, I can only take one year at a time, and the summers in-between are filled with the anxious scrambling to earn as much money as I can even if it means working 12 hours days most of the week. I had been working so hard, earning some scholarship money from the school from working hard as a student, and I had been praying hard while hoping that the tighter I closed my eyes the more likely my prayers would be answered.

It had gotten to the point that I was exhausted 

from trying so hard to earn something that was good.

     "Just tell me what you want me to do!" I screamed inside my mind to the Lord.

     (Now while growing up in a Christian home and being a missionary kid I have learned a lot of the answers. Ever since I was little I had to learn what the Bible says. I could have the correct answer for many things. However, that does not mean that I always live by them. I forget them quite often. Or if I do remember what I have learned since I was a child, I wouldn't truly believe them in my heart.)

     That night an answer popped into my head that I had quite forgotten. It was from an old song which was taken from a Bible verse.

"Be still and know that I am God."

     It popped into my head as clear as day. It made me pause wiping the slide for a second.

     "Well...but...what about...I don't want to do that!" It was the complete opposite of everything my mind was telling me to do. I wanted to work my butt off to earn my way through college. I wanted to figure out the problem. I wanted to go ahead and plan my next semester. I wanted to go ahead and practice my audition for the next play or think on how I would hug and greet my friends who I have been missing with all my heart for months. I wanted to...

"Be still and know that I am God."

     I gave in. Usually the things that you naturally don't want to do but you know is from the Lord is mostly likely the best option. I doesn't make any sense, but most of the time the Lord doesn't make sense until you can look back and see the whole story. I can't see the whole story yet. I can only see right now, and how the Lord has provided in the past.

     If I am supposed to go to college this next year than the Lord will provide, even if He only has three weeks to acquire a lot of money. If I am not supposed to go to college this next year, than I am supposed to do something different that will be better for me in the long run. This is what I've got to hold on to. And it has served me in the past well. I remember my past to have a hope for my future.

From Mountains to Cornfields

"The mountains look different everyday!"

     That's what she said every time someone asked her how living at college in the mountains of TN was. It was true. There were so many layers to the mountains. so many distinct rises and falls. Various portions of the mountains were gloriously exhibited each day when the sun shone through the clouds. On rainy days, the greenness of the trees shone more brightly, and the lighting would hide behind the peaks as it struck. On foggy days, sometimes it was hard to imagine that there were miles upon miles of mountainous hills behind the thick wall of gray. Every time she walked to breakfast she would breathe in the crisp mountain air and praise the Lord for His amazing creativity. She would marvel at how magnificent the mountains were that morning.

     The same was true of college. Although it definitely wasn't always glorious, there was always something new and exciting to learn or explore. There were so many different layers of college, from being a dedicated student, to a loyal friend, to a compassionate counselor, to a daughter away from home, to a musician, to an actress, to a human being learning how to trust the Lord better. Each day different factions of her were pushed and pursued. On rainy days, her relationship with the Lord was tested and grown stronger. On foggy days, when she was ready to quit and couldn't see the other side of the problem, there was always a tug at her heart telling her to keep pushing on. The rises and falls of life on her own was challenging but worthwhile and exciting.

     Now she is back to the cornfields of Indiana, her home. Cornfields are very different from mountains. They are flat and you think that you can see all the way across to another state. It is harder to determine how far it goes. It seems to stretch on forever. Cornfields are very organized. They are in straight rows that never seem to falter. They exist to provide food for many hungry people across the United States. They are practical.

     The same has been true of this summer. This summer her goal is to work as much as she can to pay for the next year of college. Home is very different from college. This summer seems to stretch on and on with just the prospect of laborious hours to be worked in the future. If the money isn't saved by the end of the summer than who knows how long the time it will take to acquire it. Life at home is very organized. She goes to work at one job, comes home to eat and then heads out to the other job. It's predicable to a point. It is practical. She is home to work. to save, to be able to return to the mountains.

Life hasn't stopped. But in some ways it feels like it has. 

     It seems to be an intermission in the story so that the participants can gather enough money to be able to see more of the show. However, life doesn't flow that way. There are no gaps in the time line of a human's life. There are seasons and chapters, not chunks with chasms of void in between. This summer is a season, in both the literal and figurative sense of the word.

     Although she waits to see what the next chapter will be, (she hopes it will be another year in college, but she is relying on the Lord's provision to see that be made possible) she keeps on telling herself to enjoy and grow in the chapter she is in. If you try and read too much ahead you won't be able to pay attention to the page you are on.

She is not stuck, she is not being put on hold, she is not being confined. 

     She is supposed to grow in new ways while she is at home in the cornfields. The mountains taught her much, but sometimes you learn new things when you change environments. Only the Lord knows what comes next. Perhaps it will be an entirely new adventure that she would have never imagined!

Confessions of an Optimist

     I am an optimist.

     If you ask any of my friends or family, they will without a doubt confirm this mental state that I am almost always in. If you go up to one of them and ask, "Is Rebekah an optimist or pessimist?" They will probably give you a big smile and say, "Rebekah? She is definitely an optimist!"

     I see the good in a lot of things. While other students complain about being required to go to chapel, I usually remark about how much I love the worship music. While my other actors complain about the long and arduous rehearsal process before the performance, I will usually comment about how important rehearsals are to establish the details of the script that are so much fun to explore. While many people can't stand being stuck in bed sick, I can usually find an excuse to be happy about having a day of rest from my busy week.

Thunderstorms are breathtaking, hard work is producing Godly virtues, 

people who hurt are most likely hurting themselves inside, 

life always works out in the end. 

     Many people make fun of optimists saying that they would rather be a realist. I want to counter this argument by saying that optimists cannot hide from the ugliness of reality any more than pessimists can hide from the beauty of life! Life is hard and sometimes so ugly that you want to disbelieve that it is real. Trust me, I understand. There have been many times in my life when I look up to God and ask, "Why? This isn't worth living in!" There are horrid people who do horrible things that creates feelings of hate in the people who have been affected. There are diseases and catastrophes that wipe out entire towns of people in a matter of days. Life is not rainbows and unicorns like we sometimes desire it to be.

     But that doesn't mean there isn't any beauty at all. After the storm there are rainbows. After you get sick, your body becomes more immune to that virus. After the pain of childbirth, there is a new life. After the struggle of perseverance, there is the delightful feeling of a job well done. After the pain of waiting, God's best comes along.

You cannot see how good God is unless you can see the evil around you. 

     That's why I'm an optimist. Yes, I'm sure it is a part of my DNA somehow that I naturally want to think positively. However, it is also a choice. You have a strength when you choose to think of the good. When you focus on the bad that is all you can see. You lose the willingness to fight. When you focus on the positive, life doesn't seem so unbearable.

     That's why I'm an optimist. Yes, this world is covered in sin and evil. However, that is not the end. God is still in control, and at the end of all things the world will be right again. His glory will be even greater since we have seen the worst of humanity.

     So stay optimistic! Stay filled with joy as you go through the trials of this life! Keep fighting the good fight while keeping your chin up!

Dear College: Freshman Edition

Dear College,

     You have been absolutely wonderful this year! Being with you has been such a neat experience in ways in which I could not have imagined! Although I had mentally prepared myself in some aspects before I was with you, I was definitely not ready for most of it.

     At first it was hard. I had never been on my own before and although the prospect filled me with excitement, I was also nervous and scared. I didn't quite know how I would handle being with you all by myself. Thankfully, I learned real quick that I was never really alone at all! The Lord was my constant. He also graciously provided me with a loving family who wanted to stay in contact with me every week and some amazing friends who wanted to live life with me every day.

     Speaking of friends, I laugh as I think back to my mentality when I first arrived at your doorstep. I thought it was just going to be you and me, college. I was going to be the perfect student, the perfect musician, and the perfect actor. Having other friends wasn't my priority and I thought I wouldn't need them. Wasn't I wrong! I soon became involved in a lovely group of Godly people who became vulnerable and real with me. We knew we were all flawed but we loved each other no matter how flawed we were. I have learned a lot about being a Godly friend and a Godly counselor. Being with you has opened up new doors for me to impact people and I think that's great.

     This first year of our academic relationship hasn't been all sparkling A+ papers and lead roles on stage, though. There have been many bumps in the road, from my grandpa dying to my friends and I going through really rough circumstances. However, it is a part of my story now and I can see how the Lord has used those not-so-nice things to strengthen and grow me as a person in Him. I have learned the lesson of forgiveness. I have learned the lesson of being a good friend. I have learned the lesson of how friendships shift and change into new relationships. I have learned the lesson of being able to serve no matter where I'm at.

I am still learning the lesson of being content. 

I am still learning the lesson of patiently waiting for God's best. 

     I have been in some wonderful shows since we've been together. My passion for theater and music has not subsided but has grown into a stronger love. Although I may have only gotten small parts, I have found out that I can give 100% in any role I may have, either on the stage of make believe or on the stage of real life. My love for music and my ever deepening discovery of my voice has delighted me in my pursuit of learning. I have chosen the right major!

     The last thing I want to say is that I can't believe we have been together for a whole year! I have heard many people say that the years with college go by so fast, and they were right! This year with you has been a whirlwind adventure and I have loved it! I can't wait to see where we go next during sophomore year. I'm excited to keep continuing down this road!

Love, 

                                                                                     Rebekah

Why I Do Theater

The bright lights. The exuberant makeup. The fancy costumes. 

The red curtain. The finishing bows. The excited applause.

     These are the things that come to mind when many people think of theater. They are all true. There are so many iconic aspects of performing that fill many actors, singers, and dancers with delight. During that moment when the show is done and you hear the roaring applause, you truly feel like you have finished a job well done! It's a wonderful feeling!

     However, that is not why I do theater. Although the numerous congratulations and pats on the back are wonderful and elating they don't last. The next week I am washing dishes in the back of a kitchen where nobody cares what I can do on stage. The memory of watching a show only lingers so long in an audience member's mind. Success is only a fleeting experience.

So why do I do theater?

     I do theater because I am a storyteller at heart. I have always been and will always been a person who shares stories, because I consider the whole of history a story. I delight in becoming a character on stage and creating their backstory that nobody will ever know but me. I enjoy becoming somebody else just for a moment so that I can see what the world looks like from their eyes. I can do so many things on stage that I would never be able to do in real life. Storytelling through theater fills a creative need that I naturally have.

     I do theater because it is a gift that God has given me. I am good at it and I enjoy every part of the process. Many of my fellow actors don't enjoy the rehearsal process, only the performances. However, rehearsals are how you create the world you want to present! They are filled with layers upon layers of discovery! Each time you practice a scene you discover more and more of why the characters think the way they do and how they relate to the other people on stage. God has given me a gift to create, and I thoroughly enjoy using it. He has also given me the gift of empathy. I feel what other people are feeling, and that works well on stage.

     I do theater because it impacts people. Theater has been a part of culture since the early ages of humanity. Even with our modern methods of storytelling, theater is still not dead! Why? People are still drawn to the story when they can see real people right in front of them. There is a special connection that actors have with the audience. They both feed off of each other in a mutual respect for the other. It's fascinating! I want to use the stories I present on stage to inspire people to follow the Lord and follow good examples. I want to use the stories I present to convict people of the wrong actions they may be doing in their own life by showing them how the consequences could affect their loved ones around them. (Theater shows the whole story from the inception to the conclusion.) I want to use the stories I present to challenge people to work hard, to treat others with respect, and to see the beauty of the world around them.

     Although most of the scripts are not blatantly Christian, I think that most of them can be used to share the Gospel. So many stories exhibit sin and the consequences it has. They are filled with relationship problems. God created this world, and so no matter what stories we create it all really comes back to Him whether we realize it or not.

That's why I do theater. 

But the applause is nice too...

A Life of Denial

     We all have ways in which we cope with the not-so-pleasant circumstances in life.

     You may show all of your emotions and lash out at the people nearest to you; crawl away in a corner and silently sob by yourself; blame other people for your misfortunes and walk away not feeling guilty; or deny that the event ever happened in the first place. I tend to be the later one.

     Although this first year of college has been absolutely amazing, filled with so many wonderful opportunities and brand new relationships, it hasn't been easy. There have been many difficult circumstances that seemed to have hit me out of nowhere. I have attempted to bring some of those to light on this blog, but it is hard to know how vulnerable to be on the internet.

One common theme that I have noticed is how I handle hard situations. I live in denial.

     My grandpa died on December 5th, 2015. That is a fact. I can process that.

     What I have a hard time processing are the implications of what that really means.... What does that mean? Even now as I write I have to stop typing letters on the screen and think. I will never see him again. I will never feel his arms wrap me in a strong bear hug. Right before I moved to Indiana, he told me that I better watch out for all the northern boys who would like his "southern belle". It makes me smile now just thinking of that, a sad smile.

     My family is thinking about traveling back down to my grandparent's house during the summer, and a large part of me doesn't want to go. The house will be more empty without him. It will probably still smell like him, but he won't be there. It won't be right.

     You know, the last and only time I wrote about his passing was the day he died. I thought that writing the words on the page would help, and it did. But you can't just write something once and think that it magically makes the hurt go away! That's not how grief works. I haven't had the time to grieve. I've been very preoccupied at college,

     It's not like college has been an emotional breeze either. At the very end of January, one of my closest friends contemplated suicide to the point of actually standing on the cliff. As I write that out, I scoff as I think back to how much that affected me. I wasn't actually involved to a great extent. Yet, the stress of that day, and the days before that, twisted my emotions in ways I never believed I could feel.

     Even now I catch myself trying to dismiss both of those bad memories as terrible dreams. "It seems like a nightmare. I didn't actually happen to me. It seems like something out of a dramatic book or movie." Every time I have to remind myself that it did happen. It is now a part of my life's story.

And that's alright.

     You see, denial never gets us anywhere. We just keep going around and around the circle of remembering and hiding the truth of reality. Believe me, it never really goes away. It just keeps playing hide-and-go-seek, popping out at the most random times. A life of denial is a life of creating lies.

     These unfortunate circumstances are a part of us now. They can never go away. They are weaved into the intricate nature of who we are. God knows this. In fact, He used them or is using them now to make us more like Him. When I do look back, I can see how He taught me important lessons in such a quick time frame that I would have never learned if my life was free from depressing emotions! His plan involves some not-so-great things so that we can grow, and we can see Him better. We realize how much we need His love and guidance when we realize how pathetic our own strength is. That's how we deal with the bad. We ask Him to help us with it, instead of living in denial.