When I Grow Up

When I grow up I'm going to be a....

     Fill in the blank. I know that you have answered that question multiple times before. We get asked this question as soon as we are able to think about the future. As a little kid, the answer is often funny. Perhaps you wanted to be a unicorn or Batman when you were five. If you were a more serious child, you may have wanted to be a nurse or a teacher. This is a very entertaining and hilarious question as a kid.

     When I was little, I wanted to be veterinarian, restaurant owner, or an employee at Chickfila! That's a pretty random list, and I am glad to say that I fulfilled one of my dreams with the last one! Not many seven-year-old kids get to fulfill their dream of working at Chickfila when they grow up!

     It makes me smile to think of my simple childhood days when picking a career was like choosing your favorite color. Pink may be the favorite choice on Monday, but by Wednesday blue is the best one. It is also funny to realize where I have come in my answer to that question over the years.

     I am about to graduate with my Bachelor's degree in Musical Theatre. I graduate in only a few months and then I become a grown up. At least, that is what it feels like. "When I grow up" has transitioned into "In May, when I grow up". I can't believe I have come to this point. I almost can't believe that I am in the degree program that I'm in.

I never told myself that I wanted to be an actress when I grew up. 

     That thought hit me the other day. My dreams of employment as a child was random and mostly focused around food. Unlike many other actors, I never had that glorious moments when I knew that I was going to go into the entertainment world one day. That amuses me greatly. Singing and acting was always such a deep, inherent part of me that I never considered specifically picking it as a goal to work towards. Even when I chose my college and my major, it never occurred to me that I was declaring what I wanted to be. I was simply going to study an aspect of who I was.

     Now I have reached the point in my program where I am starting the process of auditioning for internships and jobs. I miraculously made it through a difficult screening audition to be able to audition at a huge theatre conference in February. It wasn't until the morning after the screening audition that I told myself that I could be an actor when I grow up. It was such a simple, childlike moment and it made me laugh at myself. As I head towards my big theatre audition in February, I tremble in excitement at the prospect of getting hired to do something that I love.

     However, being an actor is not completely what I want to be when I grow up. Honestly, I do not think that I will perform forever. There will definitely be times when I will not be on stage, and that's not a bad thing. Performing is not my grownup identity. It's just a job.

This is what I want to be when I grow up no matter how old I am:

When I grow up, I want to be kind.

When I grow up, I want to work hard at whatever task I am given.

When I grow up, I want to love people where they are at.

When I grow up, I want to be a loyal friend. 

When I grow up, I want to hold onto my imagination.

When I grow up, I want to always trust my God. 

     Growing up is not all that it is made out to be. Yes, it comes with complications, bills, long work hours, marriage, children, and the feeling that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It will be difficult and almost impossible at times. Yet, at the core, it is holding onto the brilliancy of your childhood and your precious faith in the Lord, and letting it shine into a dark world. 

That is who I want to be when I grow up. How about you? 

God Paid My Tuition

     Let me tell you a story.

     This is a story about a young girl who dreamed about going to college to study her passions of music and theatre. This is a story about a young girl who did not have enough money in order to make this dream become a reality on her own. This is a story about how this dream has come true through many miracles both large and small. 

     I always knew that I wanted to go to college. I guess that I always knew that I wanted to get a degree in either music, theatre or both. I also knew that I did not want to go to the college that my parents went to. I had this mentality that I would be reliving their life by going to their school and I wanted to be my own person. Also, the prospect of paying for a private Christian college was daunting and seemingly unattainable. Bryan College was not on my radar, in fact I purposely removed it from the map. 

But God had other plans. 

     Through a series of events that were disappointing at the time, I ended up enrolling for Bryan College only a few months before the semester started. I was afraid. I was afraid of being compared to my parents (which was not a bad thing or something that I needed to be worried about). I was afraid of entering this new world of college. I was afraid because I coundn't afford this expensive school. The reality of "I can't" clouded my joy of the future.

But God had other plans.

     He provided for my Freshman year of college through scholarships, part time jobs, savings, and a secret supporter who I still don't know to this day (p.s. if my secret supporter is reading this please know that I am beyond grateful!) Freshman year turned out to be a crazy awesome experience full of new beginnings and challenging adventures. 

     During the summer before my Sophomore year, I had a "I'm gonna do it all" mentality. I was blessed with a job of being an assistant daycare teacher for the summer. Yet I wanted to work my butt off to pay for college myself. So in addition to working full time at the daycare, I took on night shifts at Chickfila. I was working 13 hour days most of the week. At first, it felt great to be earning my way through school but as the summer dragged on I realized how foolish and miserable I was. There was absolutely no way that I could work hard or long enough to earn the thousands of dollars that it takes to pay for college. I foolishly thought that I was going to be all that I needed. 

But God had other plans. 

     He waited until I was at the end of my rope (literally the last four days of summer) before providing money through some loving people. That was enough (along with my part time jobs at school) to make it for the Fall semester. Looking ahead to the Spring, I had come up with this great plan to be a caretaker/companion to an elderly woman off campus. It was going to be cheaper living and it was going to be wonderful living with this precious woman of God. This opportunity was too good to pass up and I was so proud that I had worked it all out. 

But God had other plans. 

     Four days before I was supposed to come back to school, that plan fell through and I found out that I had to move back in the dorms and pay $3,000 before I could return. I yelled and sobbed at the Lord in fear and confusion, "I thought that I was doing something right! Why would you provide an opportunity for me and then take it away?!" Then a miracle happened. I learned from my professor that he would grant me another scholarship if I could come up with $2,000 in four days. I had forgotten, but I had that exact amount in a savings account that was a gift from a precious couple given to me months earlier! God paid for my Sophomore year.

     For Junior year, I knew that the Lord could provide for my tuition but that it had to be within a certain time frame. I had gotten into a routine of working and saving, and I expected that the Lord would provide His part when I needed/wanted it. I had deadlines that He needed to meet.

But God had other plans.

     I did not have enough money to pay for my bills at the beginning of both semesters that year. It came in small spurts throughout the months. For the Fall, there was $700 that I needed to finish the payments. I was worried about where this money was going to come from, but I had to keep reminding myself that the Lord would provide. It wasn't until a month later that my parents received almost that exact amount as a gift from a church. My RA job provided bits of funds that I diligently put towards my tuition every two weeks. During Christmas break, I wasn't able to go home to work and save money to pay my phone bill for the Spring semester  like I was used to. However, I was able to work on campus by painting sets and I was paid exactly what I needed! During Easter break, I didn't have enough money to go to the Jr./Sr. banquet, but God let me work for my aunt who paid me just what I needed and a little bit extra!

     These may not seem as astounding as the glorious miracles we hear about in the Bible stories of old, but to me they are miracles. Through scholarships, awards, insignificant jobs, friends, family, Bryan housekeepers and lots of prayer, I am debt free! I have no student loans! Although I wrestle with fear and doubt over and over again, God still provides for me! There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to go to college debt free without Him. 

     I hope that this is an encouraging story for you as much as it is an important reminder for me. Right now, I do not have the funds to pay for my Senior year. I am working hard to save for the upcoming semester, but there is no way that I can pay for my last year on my own. But that's the moral of my story, isn't it? God will make a way, despite my anxious efforts. All I have to do is love and trust the perfect timing that only He possesses. That is one of the hardest and most rewarding thing that I get to do!

Dear College: Junior Edition

Dear College,

     Year three is finished! We have just one more to go in our relationship before we head toward bigger and better things. People always told me that the college years fly by quickly and now I understand why. The days are filled with so many new experiences and crazy hours that the time seems to pass by in a blur!

     Junior year has been full of so many wonderful experiences! It has been such a rewarding year in my theatrical and musical endeavors. I landed large roles in three productions that were all so completely different. I was stretched as an actress and a singer. I now know that I can play roles that are out of the confining type-cast that I had put myself in. I have a gift of connecting with people on stage that has been exciting to explore!

     This year has also been defined by my new role of being a Resident Assistant (RA) on campus. The job of being a policewoman, counselor, event planner, room checker, and big sister to twenty-one girls all at once was never something that I imagined myself doing, especially since I had to incorporate it into my already busy life. Yet, through the Lord's constant guidance and grace I was able to do my job well and to love the lifestyle of pouring into the girls around me. I grew so much in micromanaging, wisdom, compassion, and boldness through being an RA. That is definitely a chapter of my story that I will always be grateful for.

     However, I couldn't have grown as a person without the many trials that I faced. I grew in confidence as an RA because I grappled with the crippling fear of not being good enough. I had amazing success playing the romantic lead in the opera because I fought the depression of despising the way that I looked. I found contentment in my current singleness only after I experienced the heartbreak of when friend started dating the guy that I liked. I was able to discover new friendships once my closer friendships faded into the background. I have matured as a person because of the difficulties of junior year.

     Yet, I can by no means take credit for this increased improvement. The Lord has been with me every step of the way! My relationship with Him has deepened in love and trust. He sustained me through the fear of losing friendships, anger for the ways I was poorly treated, disgust at my appearance, grief of an impatient and broken heart, and loneliness because of faded friendships. Although I didn't always understand, I could always end my day with the prayer, "I love you and I trust you. Amen."     

Junior year has been the continued cultivation of a new creation. It has been full of lessons and yet it has revealed to me the lessons that I must continue to learn.

I am still learning how to be bold.

I am still learning when to say no to good things. 

     I eagerly await the last chapter of my college years with excited trembling. After that, who knows where my road will go next!

Love, 

        your senior, 

                          Rebekah

When God Says No

Thy will be done. 

     That is a dangerous sentence. It sounds so nice and poetic. We sing songs with it and decorate it with flowers to hang it up as a painting on the wall. We easily say it in prayers with the proud expectation that God's will and our will flow parallel.

     Sometimes, no matter how hard you close our eyes to pray, there lingers the 

doubt that God's will for the next step of your life may not be what you hope for. 

     Sometimes, no matter how much you want it, it might not happen yet or at all. 

Sometimes, no matter how much you think it is good for you, God may be 

sparing you from something harmful. 

     So far the Lord has said "no" to romantic relationships for me. Being the storytelling girl that I am, I enjoying observing people at college and imagining a life with them. I inwardly long for a romantic relationship because I have never had one before. That is not the only reason, mind you. But loving the idea of love can occasionally be more exciting than the realities of what it actually takes to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, the idea of love can result in some distracting crushes.

     The guys that I have liked over the past three years have been respectable dudes. (My girlfriends would tell you that I have good taste.) They have been kind, people-loving, followers of Christ. However, none of them were perfect and they would all be the first ones to say it. Nevertheless, the fact that you notice a cute guy who happens to be a Christian doesn't mean that it is wise to immediately start acting upon attraction. That is one life rule that I live by. They should be observed and also talked about between you and the Lord.

     So far my likes have been given "no's" from the Lord. A few times, when I have actively sought the Lord's guidance through prayer, the "no's" have been through the gradual disappearing of the feels. Those times have been full of ups and downs, like a rolling wave of emotions, and yet it was nice. A few times, when I argued with the Lord saying I knew what was best, the "no's" have been through very dramatic door slams in my face. (If you ever want the Lord to get your attention just defiantly declare that you know how your life should play out. He will show you who is in charge real fast!)

     Getting "no's" really stinks. The door slams in my face hurt tremendously and took long periods of time to work through, during which my relationship with the Lord weakened in anger then strengthened in love. Currently, I get weird looks and stinging comments from people who don't understand why I won't just act upon my feelings, why I don't know how to flirt, or why I still hold to my conservative views on dating. I admit, in today's world it is weird that a twenty-year-old woman like me hasn't ever been in a relationship and hasn't visibly tried to get in one. But that's ok.

     I have this hope. That no matter what my current lot in life is, whether it is being a "single pringle" or a "girl in love", I have the Author of my story guiding me along like a lovingly protective father escorting His daughter through the maze of life. No matter how many red lights I get or how many doors slam close, there will always be another road to walk on which will be exactly where I need to grow and mature.

"No's" and "not yet's" are just road signs to point where the "yes's" are! 

     So my dears (and my dudes), don't be discouraged if God is saying no to you right now as well. He will provide for all of your needs, perhaps in ways you never thought of! I trust Him more than I trust myself. If you consistently ask for wisdom and discernment, He will direct your paths. That is what He has done in my story and although it hasn't always been fun, it has been good. I wouldn't ever change the "no's" that I have been given. 

Breaking the Type Cast

     Guys! Guess what?! I am doing something new, and a little scary. I am breaking the type cast.

     

     What is a type cast? Well, it is the association of certain kinds of characters with specific types of people. For instance, sidekicks are usually short and round, while princesses are 90 pounds and 5'5''. Our culture has developed a mentality that certain body types work with specific characteristics.

     

     In my own acting debuts, I have "found" my type cast. I play the loving mothers, crazy aunts, or hilarious sidekicks. I can play those roles really well and it is great! However, I became so focused on the roles that I play that it became a constrictive box that I placed myself in. I began to envision myself as my type cast in real life. I was just a secondary character in other people's stories. I would always play the best friend in my everyday life, and I would never be the princess because my body size and shape didn't fit. I had become stagnant in who I thought I was as an individual and I became complacent in imagining myself as anything other than the comedic matriarch.

     

     Well, I got cast in the opera as the female lead. Griletta is a character who is the opposite of my normal roles. She is flirty, very feminine, attractive, and gets the man in the end.

     

     I have personally struggled so much with this role. I have defeated myself mentally, telling myself that I was not adequate, pretty, or thin enough to play this part. There was no way that the audience was going to take this character seriously because I was playing her. Who would imagine that a curvy girl like me would get the man in the end? That is just not how storytelling is done. I convinced myself that the director had made the wrong choice in casting me in this role.

     

     Guys, I love theatre with all my heart. Yet, one of the downfalls of being an actress is that the characters that you play have the ability to mold your self-image if you allow it. I knew that danger, I think, but I definitely didn’t realize how skewed my perception of myself had become. 

     I am nervous about the opera performances this weekend. I am anxious about how I will be perceived in this role that is way out of my comfort zone. I am worried that the character I play will not be able to be received because it is I who is bringing her to life. But this fear is invalid, because it is not my job to make the audience like me. It is my job to remain true to the story and let God take care of the rest. I need to let go of my wrong perception of myself and just be on stage.

     

     I am honestly very excited to be bringing this story to life! It is full of comedy, romance, and a whole lot of impressive singing! It has been a personal journey for me, and I am glad for it to finally come to a wonderful finish on the Rudd stage! I hope all of you come if you can!

Love,

            Your humble thespian,

                                                Rebekah