Friday, September 22, 2017

Pressure of Performing

Sometimes it's annoying having a good reputation. 

     I mean it. Although it is so admirable and praise-worthy to be known as a respectable person, it can take its toil. 
     My life at Bryan College has looked so different this year than it has during the last two. People know who I am. That alone is a weird fact. As a freshman and even as a sophomore, I hid in the shadows. I stuck with the extroverts, who acted like they knew what they were doing. I meshed in with the crowd of musicians and thespians, without them really knowing what I was capable of. I became friends with the cafeteria workers and the sound man. I observed the drama and only entered into it when I was needed to be a steady rock. My role in college was the sidekick, the steady best friend, and the third wheel. 

For the most part I was fine with that, because it was safe. 

     By the end of sophomore year, I had become comfortable at college. I had found my close friends, my group of peeps that I was comfortable hanging out with, the characters roles that I knew I was good at, and the steady shadow that I existed in. My box was set, sealed, and situated. 

And then God broke it. 

     Apparently, God began to point out the steadfast girl in the corner. I am now an RA this year, which is a position of leadership that I would have never picked out for myself. I even fought it for the longest time and then choose the job initially for the wrong reasons. But God is good and He works through us even when we are unwilling. I am now seen as someone who is to be looked up to. I must know all the answers. I must be vulnerable and full of wisdom. I must be inviting and exciting to be around. 

     I am now an actor and a musician who people have heard and actually like. I am easy to work with and respected at my craft. People expect me to get good roles and to get solos and to be able to write music like it is no big deal. I am an artist in so many concepts of the word whether it is theater, choir, musicals, opera, or the random songs that I write. To other people, I apparently have a talent and a gift that is exciting to see. 

     I am now a junior in college, full of wisdom and knowledge evidently. I am expected to have the answers. I am looked up to by the young freshies, who are embarking on this great adventure that I only just started two short years ago. It amazes me how many people know my name and who are excited to see me everyday. I am so blessed and grateful, but I am also terrified. 

Why me? 

     This is a question that I have been struggling to comprehend. Why me? I feel like people have put me up on such a high pedestal that I am guaranteed to fall right off. All I have ever done is wait in the dark and watched the people around me experience the spotlight. Now that I have more opportunities to step out of my box, I realize that I am more afraid of the pressure of being the best, then I am of what staying confined will prohibit to me. 

I am more afraid of the idea of failure than the idea of being stagnant.

     That's not how the Lord works, my friends. Throughout the Bible, so many of our favorite stories have seasons of doubt. Moses told the Lord multiple times how he was inadequate for the task He set in front of him. I often find myself doing the same thing. 

Our inadequacy is not the point. However, God's glory is. 

     God works through the weak so that we have no reason to boast about it. He chooses those who absolutely cannot do it by themselves because it is then when He is glorified. That is the beauty of our dependence on Him. 

     I cannot live up to all the expectations of Bryan College. There is no possible way that I can be the best RA, the best actor, musician, friend, or upperclassman, especially not all of them at once. All I can do is take one hour at a time and rely on the Lord to be glorified throughout each minuscule moment. The focus is not on me, and I am perfectly cool with that. 

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