Weight of the World

I try to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

It's heavy.

It hurts.

It cuts my skin and makes my muscles ache.

But if I don't carry it, who will?

I take on the weight of the world on my shoulders.

People's anxieties and regrets.

People's secrets and sorrows.

I am bowed over, crawling in the dust, trying to be strong enough for them all.

Because if I don't bear it, who will take the time to listen?

I pretend there is no weight of the world on my shoulders.

If I smile, no one will notice.

If I laugh, no one will know.

If I pretend, no one will see how I tremble underneath the strain.

Because if I don't stay happy, who will lift us up?

It's too heavy. My shoulders bleed. My body shakes. I crawl a few inches further. And then I stop. My breaths are labored and I'm choking in the dust. In one last attempt to be enough, I push the ground to try to raise myself up but the weight of the world is too heavy. I collapse. A gasping cry leaves my lips as it finally hits me,

I wasn't made for this.

A pierced hand gently touches my blistered shoulders. It is so soothing. Gentle yet firm. He starts to take the weight of the world off my shoulders. I don't try to stop Him. I stay in silent surrender.

The weight falls off and I hear Him groan as He puts it on Himself. I painfully turn my head to look up at Him. And for the first time in ages, I truly smile, not just for show.

He can carry the weight of the world on His shoulders.

It's heavy.

It hurts.

But it doesn't cut His skin or makes His muscles ache.

He is the perfect one to carry it.  

He could take on more weight of the world on His shoulders.

His people's anxieties and regrets.

His people's secrets and sorrows.

He is the only one strong enough to fix them all. 

He would always take the time to listen and redeem.

He was the only one to carry the weight of the world on His shoulders.

That burden was never meant for me.

How foolish was I to think I could bear it?

Instead of trying to shoulder it alone, I needed to trust Him with it all.

How incredibly simple yet vastly difficult.

He picked me up from the ground, dusted off my clothes, and my shoulders instantly began to heal. I wept for the joy of relief. This was exactly how it was always meant to be. He steadied the weight on His shoulders, smiled, took my hand, and He led me on my journey home. 

"Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I'm Sorry It Didn't Go as Planned

I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.
Those four years of specified learning in your art didn't equal a performing job right out of college.
Senior year pride, encouraging compliments, professional auditions, and imaging a future on stage
didn't create your reality this year.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.
I know you expected that graduation made you an on-your-own adult.
You worked towards a goal of moving away from a place you used to call home.
Reality often twists our fantasies of how we wanted life to be.
Moving back home this year was where reality brought you.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.
Your first romantic relationship didn't sparkle like in the movies.
He was not what you expected in your imagination.
A great friend for you doesn't always equal a great husband for you.
While your stories did separate in a healthy way, it still is sad.
I'm sorry.

But

I'm glad it didn't go as planned.
Those four years of learning your art developed you in so many ways.
Your gifts improved, but so did your confidence, love for the Lord, leadership skills, and self-discovery.
Your future will appear on various stages in this life, both under the spotlight and in the brilliance of the sun.
College prepared you for more than just performing.

I'm glad it didn't go as planned.
You are an adult, but in different ways than you thought.
"Adulting" is more of being than doing.
Returning home provided you with a job promotion, leadership opportunities, a band to worship with, new friendships, and the blessing of living with a loving family when disaster struck the world. I wouldn't have changed those blessings for you.

I'm glad it didn't go as planned.
You gained an Indiana best friend when you needed a reason to stay.
Through that relationship you learned how to be bold, honest, open with your thoughts, flexible, and how to invest wholeheartedly in someone else's life.
Although it didn't lead all the way to commitment, that relationship pushed you to blossom in new ways.

I'm sorry it didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry that sometimes you are sad while looking back at "what could have been".
I'm sorry that those imaginings didn't become reality.

But I'm glad it happened the way it did.



"A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." ~Proverbs 16:9

Grow Where You're Planted

Grow where you're planted.
It can be so easy to start a new chapter with a romanticized expectancy.
Life after graduation is supposed to be filled to the brim with unexplored possibilities.
The world awaits to be influenced with your new found knowledge wrapped in a diploma.
The garden is tilled and ready for your flower to shine.

Grow where you're planted.
You don't get to choose which plot you land on.
The Gardener picks a forgotten corner in the midst of a cornfield.
The world that seemed so vast is now scrunched into a place that you never thought you'd return to.
The garden is smaller than you expected it would be.

Grow where you're planted.
You refuse to put down roots.
The allure of a more interesting future deters commitment to where you already are.
Only giving seventy-five percent effort doesn't produce a flowering plant.
The garden is more than a temporary placement.

Grow where you're planted.
The Gardener continues to gently prod you to blossom.
He provides you with sun-shining opportunities to get involved in.
He provides you with rain-refreshing relationships to invest in.
The garden is suited for your needs.

Grow where you're planted.
In a moment of painful honesty, the garden seems more important than before.
The wide world may be new and exciting, but the corner in the cornfield has its joys.
In a season of transition, roots begin to intertwine with others in the soil of your story.
The garden is made for more than one flower.

Grow where you're planted.
The Gardener knew all along that this was where you needed to be.
He carefully tilled the soil to prepare a spot just for you to shine.
He crafted the garden to teach you where you needed to bloom better.
The garden is a bed of influence and a training ground.

Grow where you're planted.
Maybe one day you will move to a bigger plot of land.
But for now the corner in the cornfield is exactly where you need to be.
Maybe one day a new adventure will begin but for now I'll
Grow where I'm planted.

Just Here

     "So now that you've graduated from college, what are your plans?"

     This is the question that comes up in most conversations that I have nowadays. I have answered it so many times that my response has become automated.

     "Well, I plan to start my online Masters Program in July and then I would like to move in the Fall. But for right now I am just here, working at Chick-fil-A to save money."

     This response usually gets a nod of approval and the description of how difficult and unpleasant living in the "real world" is.

     This dialogue isn't wrong. It is so nice to have others interested in where my life goes next and it has been great to catch up with people from my hometown. This unexpected return home for a season has brought about some lovely moments and opportunities. Here's my issue.

I keep catching myself saying that I am "just here". 

     I am just here until I can save money. I am just here for the foreseeable future. I am just here waiting for something better to come along.

     In my excited anticipation for the next chapter in my life, I have been downplaying the one I am in. I am eagerly wanting to live on my own and to work in the field that I just learned all about in college. However, the opportunity to do that hasn't arrived yet. Other recent graduates have started to step out on their own. Others have gotten married, or started a career in their major, or moved to a new city, and I am just here.

     Here's the thing. I am never just here. That is not the way God works. The Lord is the orchestrator and organizer of all life! He has His people in specific places so that they can impact specific people. I may be where I am for just a season (and that season may be longer than I would like) but I AM HERE!

I am here because I prayed for where the Lord wanted me to go after I graduated 

college and this was the best option for me at that time. 

I am here because I have a great job at Chick-fil-A, and they were so excited to have me back! 

I am here to spend extended time with my family before time becomes a luxury. 

I am here because I get to serve on my worship team every Sunday 

with the musical creativity that the Lord has given me. 

I am here to learn from my parents about the complexities of the working world 

and how to be wise once I leave the comforts of home. 

I am here to encourage my co-workers and make the monotony of work a little bit more exciting. 

I am here so that I can save money to help ensure that the transition to 

living on my own will run smoothly. 

I am here to influence people in Indiana in unique ways that the Lord puts in front of me. 

     The Lord doesn't make mistakes when He writes His stories of human beings. This transition season of life (which I have humorously called my "Encore Summer") is a special chapter of its own. Just like every other period of my little life, it will be filled with victories, disappointments, lots of learning, and the chance to connect with others.

     I challenge you, my friend. To not be so enveloped with the desire to know what comes next that you forget that you are where you are for a reason. If you are feeling discouraged because your current circumstances are not exactly what you would like them to be, take a moment to pray about why you are here. The Lord can remind you and use you where you are at.

I am here. In a few months, I may be somewhere else. Only He knows. 

But for now, I am here. 

From the Microwave to the Oven

The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

~J.R.R. Tolkien

     Four years ago, I didn't want to come to Bryan College. Now, I wouldn't want to change it for the world!

     It is amazing when you look back and see how different your life could have been if you had made a different decision. If I had gone to another college, I would not have had made all the friends that I have made at Bryan. If I had not been a Musical Theatre major, I would not have had the same influence at school or the opportunities to perform in fabulous shows. If I had not gone through specific difficult circumstances over the past four years, I would not be the person I am today!

     Bryan College has been quite an experience! Some of my best days and some of my worst days have been at this school. I have struggled through grief, heartbreak, and stress. I have been given the wonderful gifts of friendship, performances, and victories! These past four years have greatly influenced and shaped who I am.

Yet, all beautiful things must come to an end. This chapter has come to a close. 

     Now a new chapter has begun and I am not quite sure that I am ready for it. The working world is filled with stress, planning, and complications that I now have to learn how to navigate. It can be overwhelming at times.Thankfully, being home has allowed me to have the time to be taught and trained by my loving parents. It has also given me time to save for whatever comes next. This wouldn't have been the case if I had found an internship like I had originally planned.

     Although I am overwhelmed in this new phase of life, I am underwhelmed also. I didn't know that it was possible to feel both at the same time! College life moves at such a crazy speed that the rest of the world doesn't follow. I had gotten so used to the pace of college that the working world seems to move so slowly. My dad fittingly described it as going from "living life in a microwave to moving to the oven"! Changing to fit this new speed has been an adjustment.

To think, it has only been a week since I graduated from college!

     In that week, there have been a lot of learning curves, reality checks, and goal evaluations. In that week, I have come up with dozens of scenarios of what could come next. In that week, I have struggled with the balance of planning ahead and still trusting the Lord with one day at a time.

     Yet, God is good. God is faithful. God is my provider just as He has been throughout all of college. No matter where I am or where I go my relationship with Him will always be my constant in the midst of life's transitions. This transition from "the microwave to the oven" will be confusing and rocky, but it will also be filled with new adventures, new explorations, and the promise of the Lord's faithfulness no matter where I am! Here we go on a new Road!

When I Grow Up

When I grow up I'm going to be a....

     Fill in the blank. I know that you have answered that question multiple times before. We get asked this question as soon as we are able to think about the future. As a little kid, the answer is often funny. Perhaps you wanted to be a unicorn or Batman when you were five. If you were a more serious child, you may have wanted to be a nurse or a teacher. This is a very entertaining and hilarious question as a kid.

     When I was little, I wanted to be veterinarian, restaurant owner, or an employee at Chickfila! That's a pretty random list, and I am glad to say that I fulfilled one of my dreams with the last one! Not many seven-year-old kids get to fulfill their dream of working at Chickfila when they grow up!

     It makes me smile to think of my simple childhood days when picking a career was like choosing your favorite color. Pink may be the favorite choice on Monday, but by Wednesday blue is the best one. It is also funny to realize where I have come in my answer to that question over the years.

     I am about to graduate with my Bachelor's degree in Musical Theatre. I graduate in only a few months and then I become a grown up. At least, that is what it feels like. "When I grow up" has transitioned into "In May, when I grow up". I can't believe I have come to this point. I almost can't believe that I am in the degree program that I'm in.

I never told myself that I wanted to be an actress when I grew up. 

     That thought hit me the other day. My dreams of employment as a child was random and mostly focused around food. Unlike many other actors, I never had that glorious moments when I knew that I was going to go into the entertainment world one day. That amuses me greatly. Singing and acting was always such a deep, inherent part of me that I never considered specifically picking it as a goal to work towards. Even when I chose my college and my major, it never occurred to me that I was declaring what I wanted to be. I was simply going to study an aspect of who I was.

     Now I have reached the point in my program where I am starting the process of auditioning for internships and jobs. I miraculously made it through a difficult screening audition to be able to audition at a huge theatre conference in February. It wasn't until the morning after the screening audition that I told myself that I could be an actor when I grow up. It was such a simple, childlike moment and it made me laugh at myself. As I head towards my big theatre audition in February, I tremble in excitement at the prospect of getting hired to do something that I love.

     However, being an actor is not completely what I want to be when I grow up. Honestly, I do not think that I will perform forever. There will definitely be times when I will not be on stage, and that's not a bad thing. Performing is not my grownup identity. It's just a job.

This is what I want to be when I grow up no matter how old I am:

When I grow up, I want to be kind.

When I grow up, I want to work hard at whatever task I am given.

When I grow up, I want to love people where they are at.

When I grow up, I want to be a loyal friend. 

When I grow up, I want to hold onto my imagination.

When I grow up, I want to always trust my God. 

     Growing up is not all that it is made out to be. Yes, it comes with complications, bills, long work hours, marriage, children, and the feeling that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It will be difficult and almost impossible at times. Yet, at the core, it is holding onto the brilliancy of your childhood and your precious faith in the Lord, and letting it shine into a dark world. 

That is who I want to be when I grow up. How about you? 

God Paid My Tuition

     Let me tell you a story.

     This is a story about a young girl who dreamed about going to college to study her passions of music and theatre. This is a story about a young girl who did not have enough money in order to make this dream become a reality on her own. This is a story about how this dream has come true through many miracles both large and small. 

     I always knew that I wanted to go to college. I guess that I always knew that I wanted to get a degree in either music, theatre or both. I also knew that I did not want to go to the college that my parents went to. I had this mentality that I would be reliving their life by going to their school and I wanted to be my own person. Also, the prospect of paying for a private Christian college was daunting and seemingly unattainable. Bryan College was not on my radar, in fact I purposely removed it from the map. 

But God had other plans. 

     Through a series of events that were disappointing at the time, I ended up enrolling for Bryan College only a few months before the semester started. I was afraid. I was afraid of being compared to my parents (which was not a bad thing or something that I needed to be worried about). I was afraid of entering this new world of college. I was afraid because I coundn't afford this expensive school. The reality of "I can't" clouded my joy of the future.

But God had other plans.

     He provided for my Freshman year of college through scholarships, part time jobs, savings, and a secret supporter who I still don't know to this day (p.s. if my secret supporter is reading this please know that I am beyond grateful!) Freshman year turned out to be a crazy awesome experience full of new beginnings and challenging adventures. 

     During the summer before my Sophomore year, I had a "I'm gonna do it all" mentality. I was blessed with a job of being an assistant daycare teacher for the summer. Yet I wanted to work my butt off to pay for college myself. So in addition to working full time at the daycare, I took on night shifts at Chickfila. I was working 13 hour days most of the week. At first, it felt great to be earning my way through school but as the summer dragged on I realized how foolish and miserable I was. There was absolutely no way that I could work hard or long enough to earn the thousands of dollars that it takes to pay for college. I foolishly thought that I was going to be all that I needed. 

But God had other plans. 

     He waited until I was at the end of my rope (literally the last four days of summer) before providing money through some loving people. That was enough (along with my part time jobs at school) to make it for the Fall semester. Looking ahead to the Spring, I had come up with this great plan to be a caretaker/companion to an elderly woman off campus. It was going to be cheaper living and it was going to be wonderful living with this precious woman of God. This opportunity was too good to pass up and I was so proud that I had worked it all out. 

But God had other plans. 

     Four days before I was supposed to come back to school, that plan fell through and I found out that I had to move back in the dorms and pay $3,000 before I could return. I yelled and sobbed at the Lord in fear and confusion, "I thought that I was doing something right! Why would you provide an opportunity for me and then take it away?!" Then a miracle happened. I learned from my professor that he would grant me another scholarship if I could come up with $2,000 in four days. I had forgotten, but I had that exact amount in a savings account that was a gift from a precious couple given to me months earlier! God paid for my Sophomore year.

     For Junior year, I knew that the Lord could provide for my tuition but that it had to be within a certain time frame. I had gotten into a routine of working and saving, and I expected that the Lord would provide His part when I needed/wanted it. I had deadlines that He needed to meet.

But God had other plans.

     I did not have enough money to pay for my bills at the beginning of both semesters that year. It came in small spurts throughout the months. For the Fall, there was $700 that I needed to finish the payments. I was worried about where this money was going to come from, but I had to keep reminding myself that the Lord would provide. It wasn't until a month later that my parents received almost that exact amount as a gift from a church. My RA job provided bits of funds that I diligently put towards my tuition every two weeks. During Christmas break, I wasn't able to go home to work and save money to pay my phone bill for the Spring semester  like I was used to. However, I was able to work on campus by painting sets and I was paid exactly what I needed! During Easter break, I didn't have enough money to go to the Jr./Sr. banquet, but God let me work for my aunt who paid me just what I needed and a little bit extra!

     These may not seem as astounding as the glorious miracles we hear about in the Bible stories of old, but to me they are miracles. Through scholarships, awards, insignificant jobs, friends, family, Bryan housekeepers and lots of prayer, I am debt free! I have no student loans! Although I wrestle with fear and doubt over and over again, God still provides for me! There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to go to college debt free without Him. 

     I hope that this is an encouraging story for you as much as it is an important reminder for me. Right now, I do not have the funds to pay for my Senior year. I am working hard to save for the upcoming semester, but there is no way that I can pay for my last year on my own. But that's the moral of my story, isn't it? God will make a way, despite my anxious efforts. All I have to do is love and trust the perfect timing that only He possesses. That is one of the hardest and most rewarding thing that I get to do!