God Paid My Tuition

     Let me tell you a story.

     This is a story about a young girl who dreamed about going to college to study her passions of music and theatre. This is a story about a young girl who did not have enough money in order to make this dream become a reality on her own. This is a story about how this dream has come true through many miracles both large and small. 

     I always knew that I wanted to go to college. I guess that I always knew that I wanted to get a degree in either music, theatre or both. I also knew that I did not want to go to the college that my parents went to. I had this mentality that I would be reliving their life by going to their school and I wanted to be my own person. Also, the prospect of paying for a private Christian college was daunting and seemingly unattainable. Bryan College was not on my radar, in fact I purposely removed it from the map. 

But God had other plans. 

     Through a series of events that were disappointing at the time, I ended up enrolling for Bryan College only a few months before the semester started. I was afraid. I was afraid of being compared to my parents (which was not a bad thing or something that I needed to be worried about). I was afraid of entering this new world of college. I was afraid because I coundn't afford this expensive school. The reality of "I can't" clouded my joy of the future.

But God had other plans.

     He provided for my Freshman year of college through scholarships, part time jobs, savings, and a secret supporter who I still don't know to this day (p.s. if my secret supporter is reading this please know that I am beyond grateful!) Freshman year turned out to be a crazy awesome experience full of new beginnings and challenging adventures. 

     During the summer before my Sophomore year, I had a "I'm gonna do it all" mentality. I was blessed with a job of being an assistant daycare teacher for the summer. Yet I wanted to work my butt off to pay for college myself. So in addition to working full time at the daycare, I took on night shifts at Chickfila. I was working 13 hour days most of the week. At first, it felt great to be earning my way through school but as the summer dragged on I realized how foolish and miserable I was. There was absolutely no way that I could work hard or long enough to earn the thousands of dollars that it takes to pay for college. I foolishly thought that I was going to be all that I needed. 

But God had other plans. 

     He waited until I was at the end of my rope (literally the last four days of summer) before providing money through some loving people. That was enough (along with my part time jobs at school) to make it for the Fall semester. Looking ahead to the Spring, I had come up with this great plan to be a caretaker/companion to an elderly woman off campus. It was going to be cheaper living and it was going to be wonderful living with this precious woman of God. This opportunity was too good to pass up and I was so proud that I had worked it all out. 

But God had other plans. 

     Four days before I was supposed to come back to school, that plan fell through and I found out that I had to move back in the dorms and pay $3,000 before I could return. I yelled and sobbed at the Lord in fear and confusion, "I thought that I was doing something right! Why would you provide an opportunity for me and then take it away?!" Then a miracle happened. I learned from my professor that he would grant me another scholarship if I could come up with $2,000 in four days. I had forgotten, but I had that exact amount in a savings account that was a gift from a precious couple given to me months earlier! God paid for my Sophomore year.

     For Junior year, I knew that the Lord could provide for my tuition but that it had to be within a certain time frame. I had gotten into a routine of working and saving, and I expected that the Lord would provide His part when I needed/wanted it. I had deadlines that He needed to meet.

But God had other plans.

     I did not have enough money to pay for my bills at the beginning of both semesters that year. It came in small spurts throughout the months. For the Fall, there was $700 that I needed to finish the payments. I was worried about where this money was going to come from, but I had to keep reminding myself that the Lord would provide. It wasn't until a month later that my parents received almost that exact amount as a gift from a church. My RA job provided bits of funds that I diligently put towards my tuition every two weeks. During Christmas break, I wasn't able to go home to work and save money to pay my phone bill for the Spring semester  like I was used to. However, I was able to work on campus by painting sets and I was paid exactly what I needed! During Easter break, I didn't have enough money to go to the Jr./Sr. banquet, but God let me work for my aunt who paid me just what I needed and a little bit extra!

     These may not seem as astounding as the glorious miracles we hear about in the Bible stories of old, but to me they are miracles. Through scholarships, awards, insignificant jobs, friends, family, Bryan housekeepers and lots of prayer, I am debt free! I have no student loans! Although I wrestle with fear and doubt over and over again, God still provides for me! There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to go to college debt free without Him. 

     I hope that this is an encouraging story for you as much as it is an important reminder for me. Right now, I do not have the funds to pay for my Senior year. I am working hard to save for the upcoming semester, but there is no way that I can pay for my last year on my own. But that's the moral of my story, isn't it? God will make a way, despite my anxious efforts. All I have to do is love and trust the perfect timing that only He possesses. That is one of the hardest and most rewarding thing that I get to do!

Breaking the Type Cast

     Guys! Guess what?! I am doing something new, and a little scary. I am breaking the type cast.

     

     What is a type cast? Well, it is the association of certain kinds of characters with specific types of people. For instance, sidekicks are usually short and round, while princesses are 90 pounds and 5'5''. Our culture has developed a mentality that certain body types work with specific characteristics.

     

     In my own acting debuts, I have "found" my type cast. I play the loving mothers, crazy aunts, or hilarious sidekicks. I can play those roles really well and it is great! However, I became so focused on the roles that I play that it became a constrictive box that I placed myself in. I began to envision myself as my type cast in real life. I was just a secondary character in other people's stories. I would always play the best friend in my everyday life, and I would never be the princess because my body size and shape didn't fit. I had become stagnant in who I thought I was as an individual and I became complacent in imagining myself as anything other than the comedic matriarch.

     

     Well, I got cast in the opera as the female lead. Griletta is a character who is the opposite of my normal roles. She is flirty, very feminine, attractive, and gets the man in the end.

     

     I have personally struggled so much with this role. I have defeated myself mentally, telling myself that I was not adequate, pretty, or thin enough to play this part. There was no way that the audience was going to take this character seriously because I was playing her. Who would imagine that a curvy girl like me would get the man in the end? That is just not how storytelling is done. I convinced myself that the director had made the wrong choice in casting me in this role.

     

     Guys, I love theatre with all my heart. Yet, one of the downfalls of being an actress is that the characters that you play have the ability to mold your self-image if you allow it. I knew that danger, I think, but I definitely didn’t realize how skewed my perception of myself had become. 

     I am nervous about the opera performances this weekend. I am anxious about how I will be perceived in this role that is way out of my comfort zone. I am worried that the character I play will not be able to be received because it is I who is bringing her to life. But this fear is invalid, because it is not my job to make the audience like me. It is my job to remain true to the story and let God take care of the rest. I need to let go of my wrong perception of myself and just be on stage.

     

     I am honestly very excited to be bringing this story to life! It is full of comedy, romance, and a whole lot of impressive singing! It has been a personal journey for me, and I am glad for it to finally come to a wonderful finish on the Rudd stage! I hope all of you come if you can!

Love,

            Your humble thespian,

                                                Rebekah 

Pressure of Performing

Sometimes it's annoying having a good reputation. 

     I mean it. Although it is so admirable and praise-worthy to be known as a respectable person, it can take its toil. 

     

     My life at Bryan College has looked so different this year than it has during the last two. People know who I am. That alone is a weird fact. As a freshman and even as a sophomore, I hid in the shadows. I stuck with the extroverts, who acted like they knew what they were doing. I meshed in with the crowd of musicians and thespians, without them really knowing what I was capable of. I became friends with the cafeteria workers and the sound man. I observed the drama and only entered into it when I was needed to be a steady rock. My role in college was the sidekick, the steady best friend, and the third wheel. 

For the most part I was fine with that, because it was safe. 

     By the end of sophomore year, I had become comfortable at college. I had found my close friends, my group of peeps that I was comfortable hanging out with, the characters roles that I knew I was good at, and the steady shadow that I existed in. My box was set, sealed, and situated. 

And then God broke it. 

     Apparently, God began to point out the steadfast girl in the corner. I am now an RA this year, which is a position of leadership that I would have never picked out for myself. I even fought it for the longest time and then choose the job initially for the wrong reasons. But God is good and He works through us even when we are unwilling. I am now seen as someone who is to be looked up to. I must know all the answers. I must be vulnerable and full of wisdom. I must be inviting and exciting to be around. 

     I am now an actor and a musician who people have heard and actually like. I am easy to work with and respected at my craft. People expect me to get good roles and to get solos and to be able to write music like it is no big deal. I am an artist in so many concepts of the word whether it is theater, choir, musicals, opera, or the random songs that I write. To other people, I apparently have a talent and a gift that is exciting to see. 

     I am now a junior in college, full of wisdom and knowledge evidently. I am expected to have the answers. I am looked up to by the young freshies, who are embarking on this great adventure that I only just started two short years ago. It amazes me how many people know my name and who are excited to see me everyday. I am so blessed and grateful, but I am also terrified. 

Why me? 

     This is a question that I have been struggling to comprehend. Why me? I feel like people have put me up on such a high pedestal that I am guaranteed to fall right off. All I have ever done is wait in the dark and watched the people around me experience the spotlight. Now that I have more opportunities to step out of my box, I realize that I am more afraid of the pressure of being the best, then I am of what staying confined will prohibit to me. 

I am more afraid of the idea of failure than the idea of being stagnant.

     That's not how the Lord works, my friends. Throughout the Bible, so many of our favorite stories have seasons of doubt. Moses told the Lord multiple times how he was inadequate for the task He set in front of him. I often find myself doing the same thing. 

Our inadequacy is not the point. However, God's glory is. 

     God works through the weak so that we have no reason to boast about it. He chooses those who absolutely cannot do it by themselves because it is then when He is glorified. That is the beauty of our dependence on Him. 

     I cannot live up to all the expectations of Bryan College. There is no possible way that I can be the best RA, the best actor, musician, friend, or upperclassman, especially not all of them at once. All I can do is take one hour at a time and rely on the Lord to be glorified throughout each minuscule moment. The focus is not on me, and I am perfectly cool with that. 

Dear College: Sophomore Edition

Dear College,

     This letter should have been written a long time ago, but I think it is fitting to write this now as the time to start our third year approaches soon. We have been together for two years now! This is absolutely crazy! They say that the college years go fast and they really have. Our relationship is so fast paced that I soon forget how much time has past. However, I have loved the speed of the last two years and all of the things that I have learned in such a short amount of time.
   
     Year Two has definitely not turned out the way I imagined, but life has never went along with my imagination anyway. We almost didn't meet again because of money in the Fall, but God brought it all together in His timing. Also, we almost didn't get to come together again in the Spring, but God provided $3,000 in four days to allow me to come back! His provision keeps astonishing me over and over again! It makes me confident that we are supposed to be together. The Lord also provided for me to go to a Europe Chorale Tour, which definitely exceeded anything I could have imagined! He has been so good to me.
   
     This past year has been a year of growth for me in theatre and music. I have gotten better at singing (through my own vocal training, teaching voice to my first student, and performing in so many concerts). My voice has matured and grown. Also, the opportunities for me to explore theatre has opened greatly. I was given so many fantastic roles that helped me to explore what I could do as an actor (from playing crazy mothers to stuttering lawyers to fancy girls to caring aunts). I have thoroughly enjoyed all of my moments on stage!
   
     However, some of the best moments were when I wasn't in the spotlight because of my abilities, but when I was glorifying the Lord through song. In February, I got to play a song I wrote about the struggles of life for one of the chapel services, which was way out of my comfort zone. The Lord did such great things through that song and even now I can't believe that it actually happened! I struggled so much with feeling inadequate or that I was too small to make a difference, but the Lord lovingly decided to change my mindset and use me to influence literally hundreds of people whom I have never met! I will never forget that period in my life! It was absolutely incredible!
   
     This second year of our relationship hasn't been the easiest. There were many struggles and rough patches. I lost some close friends through unhappy circumstances. The Lord shut doors in my face quite abruptly and crushed some of my plans and hopes in ways that I did not expect. I had to deal with the depressing thoughts and situations of myself and my friends. I had to go through a few trials of learning who I was despite the always-optimistic front I put on. I grew a lot in who I am as a person.

However, growing pains are never pain-free.

      I love to choose to see trials as times to learn lessons, and I have learned a lot this year. I have learned more about what it means to trust in the Lord and that His timing is usually different from mine. I have learned to be more confident in who I am as a person and to not put myself in a little box. I have learned to let go of some of the people I love and to not hold onto them too tightly. I have learned how to worship no matter if I'm in chapel, in a church in Florida, on a tour bus, across the ocean in Europe, or in a practice room with a group of friends. 

I am still learning how to be more open with people.

I am still learning how to not compare myself to others. 

     Sophomore year has been such a blast! I have explored new territories and conquered new fears. I am so thrilled to see where Junior year will take us when the Lord provides for me to return to the exciting journey of college!  

Love,

               Rebekah

Lost Friendships

     Her phone lit up with a Facebook notification. You have memories on this day. She tapped the shining notification and was immediately taken to the page which showed all of the things she had posted one year, two years, and three years ago on the same date. It was a neat little app which often made her smile or laugh in remembrance.

     Today, her smile quickly faded as the first picture that popped up was of a friend group picture from last year. Although it was a cheerful picture full of happy faces, it now gave her no joy.

     So much had changed. The group of friends had dispersed and no longer spent time together.

     They had gotten so close. They had laughed together, played together, sang together, acted together, had fun together, spoke honestly together, and wept together. Some of them had bonded so tightly that their friendship felt so secure that they were sure nothing could break it. Personally, she had waited a while before coming close to some of them, but when she did she was loyal.

She is loyal to a fault. 

     This school year everything was different. The bonds that were once as strong as steel somehow disintegrated into scraps. The secrets that they had once shared were no longer remembered or discussed. The hardships they had encountered were no more than a distant memory. It was as if their close friendship had never happened in the first place.

     Some people have said that the group was way too close in the first place, which is possibly true. Some people have said that separation is a normal part of sophomore year, which is also accurate. Some people have said that the distance is a good thing, which may turn out to be certain.

     Although she agreed with the logic behind the remarks, she still felt the emotional repercussions of the breaking. As each friend started to slip away, ending with a friend who was very dear to her heart, she began to grieve. Just as with the death or the separation of a loved one, so also she learned that it is possible to grieve over the loss of friendship. All of the stages are exhibited. At first, she denied it for such a long time. She would actively try to bring the group together again as if nothing had ever gotten in the way. She would naively believe that one day it would all be returned to how it once was. An honest friend soon spoke words of harsh truth to help her see how things really were. She has also briefly and sporadically visited the stages of anger against the people for giving up, mild depression for wondering how life could go on, and bargaining to find solutions in the middle. At last she is starting to accept things as they are, but it is not easy or fun.

     If you are going through or have gone through the loss of a friend or a relationship, do not beat yourself up for being emotionally compromised for a long time. Grief, the emotional instability after the loss of a close individual, is normal. Why do you feel this way? Because the Lord has given you the great gift of love and it hurts when it is torn away from you. However, do not be afraid to love people again. God gives us individuals for us to love and pour our lives in for only incremental seasons of time. Relish the chance to love with all your heart, even when it hurts! It is part of our purpose in this world!

So grieve for the people you lost, but always love the people you have! 

Enough

Sometimes words aren’t enough.

The pain and suffering go too deep for any mesh of syllables to pierce through.

The words you think might be helpful somehow float on the air once they are spoken.

They linger for a moment and then leave without entering the heart.

Words don’t always figure out the problem.

Sometimes being a friend isn’t enough.

The joy of friendship loses its flavor when it is tested by the fires of life.

The bond once shared isn’t strong enough to fulfill the emptiness of the soul.

The well-meaning friend might handle the situation in just the wrong way.

Friendship can’t always go deep enough.

Sometimes being an ear to listen isn’t enough.

The silence can’t solve the issue.

The patience to listen runs aground once the speaker has finished.

The listener doesn’t have the words to complete the unanswered questions.

Listening doesn’t always finish the equation.

Sometimes being the shoulder to cry on isn’t enough.

The weeping may soften the ache but it doesn’t provide the answers.

The tears may release some tension but it returns after a night’s rest.

The shoulder can only bear the burden for so long.

Crying only brings the problem to light.

Pain of the mind tears at the soul.

Depression is a sinking hole that never seems to have a bottom.

How do good friends help a dear friend who is in need?

Sometimes singing is enough.

When all else fails,

            when the words linger in the air,

                        when being a good friend is only a title,

                                    when the time for listening has ended,

                                                and when your shoulder aches from carrying the heavy burden,

Sing.

Sing every song of worship that enters your mind.

Sing even though your melody cracks with emotion.

Sing no matter who walks by and listens.

Sing with a passion that no simple words can describe.

Lift your eyes to the heavens.

Stare at the glittering stars in the vast blackness of the night sky.

Your problems always seem so much smaller when you glance at the bigger picture.

The One who made the vast galaxies created your little self.

Why do you doubt His power in your own life?

Life is so full of difficulties.

It can be a dark rain cloud that makes truth seem like a figment of the imagination.

It can be a dark, deep pool that seems to swallow every shred of hope.

It can be a battle of the mind that seems like it can never be won.

But that’s simply not true.

God never lets anything come our way that we cannot overcome.

He is enough.

Fight the hard fight!

And sing while you’re at it. 

Romanticizing

     Do you know that feeling of thinking that reality was a dream? Have you ever been on a vacation that was so fantastic that you kind of forgot what home was like? When you returned to the daily routine of home, did the memories of your vacation slowly melt away until all you could remember was a happy feeling? When a loved one died, have you ever caught yourself afterwards thinking of them in a fictional way? All you can remember were feelings, but not the normal drudgery of life?

     That's kind of what it feels like to go to college. In a sense, you are are living in two separate worlds. You live at home during breaks and in the summer. Home is familiar and has a comfortable routine with your family that you have lived for all of your life. However, you also live at college throughout most of the year. Soon this too becomes like home, but in an entirely different way. Friends become your family, and the days of non-stop commitment soon become a tiring but familiar routine. They are both vastly different, but they are both a part of who you are.

     Have you ever been in the summer and wished for the coolness of winter? However, when winter arrives you soon begin to complain about how cold it is and how much you want the warmth of summer?

We romanticize about everything we don't have. 

     When I was living at home for the summer, I longingly ached to be back at college. Now that I'm here, I have remembered how draining this life can be sometimes.

     Don't get me wrong. I love life here. There have been so many times when I have stopped and just thanked the Lord for miraculously bringing me back. I am so glad to be with my friends, to be living in the glorious mountains, and being involved in my passions of music and theater again! There are so many aspects about college that I enjoy dearly. It has been so wonderful coming back and knowing people. There is not this super awkwardness of knowing absolutely nobody and having to start relationships from scratch like last year.

     In my romanticizing of college over the summer, though, I had forgotten the hardships that were a part of this way of living. I'm not even talking about homework or classes. It is hard living in an environment where everyone is constantly comparing themselves to others. It is hard living in an atmosphere where one of the top priorities is to find a soulmate. It is hard living in a place where you are relied on and expected to know the answers for the difficult questions of life that you have never experienced before.

     Just as different workout exercises test different muscles, so the different areas and seasons of our lives challenge various aspects of our character. I had just forgotten what parts of my being had gotten weak while living at home. At home, I was challenged in patience and endurance. Here I'm being challenged in self-esteem and wisdom.

     I don't want to romanticize anymore. I don't want to focus on the "what ifs" because they take away my focus on the "what now". I need to enjoy the present, with both its hardships and its joys!

Dear College: Freshman Edition

Dear College,

     You have been absolutely wonderful this year! Being with you has been such a neat experience in ways in which I could not have imagined! Although I had mentally prepared myself in some aspects before I was with you, I was definitely not ready for most of it.

     At first it was hard. I had never been on my own before and although the prospect filled me with excitement, I was also nervous and scared. I didn't quite know how I would handle being with you all by myself. Thankfully, I learned real quick that I was never really alone at all! The Lord was my constant. He also graciously provided me with a loving family who wanted to stay in contact with me every week and some amazing friends who wanted to live life with me every day.

     Speaking of friends, I laugh as I think back to my mentality when I first arrived at your doorstep. I thought it was just going to be you and me, college. I was going to be the perfect student, the perfect musician, and the perfect actor. Having other friends wasn't my priority and I thought I wouldn't need them. Wasn't I wrong! I soon became involved in a lovely group of Godly people who became vulnerable and real with me. We knew we were all flawed but we loved each other no matter how flawed we were. I have learned a lot about being a Godly friend and a Godly counselor. Being with you has opened up new doors for me to impact people and I think that's great.

     This first year of our academic relationship hasn't been all sparkling A+ papers and lead roles on stage, though. There have been many bumps in the road, from my grandpa dying to my friends and I going through really rough circumstances. However, it is a part of my story now and I can see how the Lord has used those not-so-nice things to strengthen and grow me as a person in Him. I have learned the lesson of forgiveness. I have learned the lesson of being a good friend. I have learned the lesson of how friendships shift and change into new relationships. I have learned the lesson of being able to serve no matter where I'm at.

I am still learning the lesson of being content. 

I am still learning the lesson of patiently waiting for God's best. 

     I have been in some wonderful shows since we've been together. My passion for theater and music has not subsided but has grown into a stronger love. Although I may have only gotten small parts, I have found out that I can give 100% in any role I may have, either on the stage of make believe or on the stage of real life. My love for music and my ever deepening discovery of my voice has delighted me in my pursuit of learning. I have chosen the right major!

     The last thing I want to say is that I can't believe we have been together for a whole year! I have heard many people say that the years with college go by so fast, and they were right! This year with you has been a whirlwind adventure and I have loved it! I can't wait to see where we go next during sophomore year. I'm excited to keep continuing down this road!

Love, 

                                                                                     Rebekah

Why I Do Theater

The bright lights. The exuberant makeup. The fancy costumes. 

The red curtain. The finishing bows. The excited applause.

     These are the things that come to mind when many people think of theater. They are all true. There are so many iconic aspects of performing that fill many actors, singers, and dancers with delight. During that moment when the show is done and you hear the roaring applause, you truly feel like you have finished a job well done! It's a wonderful feeling!

     However, that is not why I do theater. Although the numerous congratulations and pats on the back are wonderful and elating they don't last. The next week I am washing dishes in the back of a kitchen where nobody cares what I can do on stage. The memory of watching a show only lingers so long in an audience member's mind. Success is only a fleeting experience.

So why do I do theater?

     I do theater because I am a storyteller at heart. I have always been and will always been a person who shares stories, because I consider the whole of history a story. I delight in becoming a character on stage and creating their backstory that nobody will ever know but me. I enjoy becoming somebody else just for a moment so that I can see what the world looks like from their eyes. I can do so many things on stage that I would never be able to do in real life. Storytelling through theater fills a creative need that I naturally have.

     I do theater because it is a gift that God has given me. I am good at it and I enjoy every part of the process. Many of my fellow actors don't enjoy the rehearsal process, only the performances. However, rehearsals are how you create the world you want to present! They are filled with layers upon layers of discovery! Each time you practice a scene you discover more and more of why the characters think the way they do and how they relate to the other people on stage. God has given me a gift to create, and I thoroughly enjoy using it. He has also given me the gift of empathy. I feel what other people are feeling, and that works well on stage.

     I do theater because it impacts people. Theater has been a part of culture since the early ages of humanity. Even with our modern methods of storytelling, theater is still not dead! Why? People are still drawn to the story when they can see real people right in front of them. There is a special connection that actors have with the audience. They both feed off of each other in a mutual respect for the other. It's fascinating! I want to use the stories I present on stage to inspire people to follow the Lord and follow good examples. I want to use the stories I present to convict people of the wrong actions they may be doing in their own life by showing them how the consequences could affect their loved ones around them. (Theater shows the whole story from the inception to the conclusion.) I want to use the stories I present to challenge people to work hard, to treat others with respect, and to see the beauty of the world around them.

     Although most of the scripts are not blatantly Christian, I think that most of them can be used to share the Gospel. So many stories exhibit sin and the consequences it has. They are filled with relationship problems. God created this world, and so no matter what stories we create it all really comes back to Him whether we realize it or not.

That's why I do theater. 

But the applause is nice too...

A Life of Denial

     We all have ways in which we cope with the not-so-pleasant circumstances in life.

     You may show all of your emotions and lash out at the people nearest to you; crawl away in a corner and silently sob by yourself; blame other people for your misfortunes and walk away not feeling guilty; or deny that the event ever happened in the first place. I tend to be the later one.

     Although this first year of college has been absolutely amazing, filled with so many wonderful opportunities and brand new relationships, it hasn't been easy. There have been many difficult circumstances that seemed to have hit me out of nowhere. I have attempted to bring some of those to light on this blog, but it is hard to know how vulnerable to be on the internet.

One common theme that I have noticed is how I handle hard situations. I live in denial.

     My grandpa died on December 5th, 2015. That is a fact. I can process that.

     What I have a hard time processing are the implications of what that really means.... What does that mean? Even now as I write I have to stop typing letters on the screen and think. I will never see him again. I will never feel his arms wrap me in a strong bear hug. Right before I moved to Indiana, he told me that I better watch out for all the northern boys who would like his "southern belle". It makes me smile now just thinking of that, a sad smile.

     My family is thinking about traveling back down to my grandparent's house during the summer, and a large part of me doesn't want to go. The house will be more empty without him. It will probably still smell like him, but he won't be there. It won't be right.

     You know, the last and only time I wrote about his passing was the day he died. I thought that writing the words on the page would help, and it did. But you can't just write something once and think that it magically makes the hurt go away! That's not how grief works. I haven't had the time to grieve. I've been very preoccupied at college,

     It's not like college has been an emotional breeze either. At the very end of January, one of my closest friends contemplated suicide to the point of actually standing on the cliff. As I write that out, I scoff as I think back to how much that affected me. I wasn't actually involved to a great extent. Yet, the stress of that day, and the days before that, twisted my emotions in ways I never believed I could feel.

     Even now I catch myself trying to dismiss both of those bad memories as terrible dreams. "It seems like a nightmare. I didn't actually happen to me. It seems like something out of a dramatic book or movie." Every time I have to remind myself that it did happen. It is now a part of my life's story.

And that's alright.

     You see, denial never gets us anywhere. We just keep going around and around the circle of remembering and hiding the truth of reality. Believe me, it never really goes away. It just keeps playing hide-and-go-seek, popping out at the most random times. A life of denial is a life of creating lies.

     These unfortunate circumstances are a part of us now. They can never go away. They are weaved into the intricate nature of who we are. God knows this. In fact, He used them or is using them now to make us more like Him. When I do look back, I can see how He taught me important lessons in such a quick time frame that I would have never learned if my life was free from depressing emotions! His plan involves some not-so-great things so that we can grow, and we can see Him better. We realize how much we need His love and guidance when we realize how pathetic our own strength is. That's how we deal with the bad. We ask Him to help us with it, instead of living in denial.

Smiling in the Shadows

     The play is announced! After weeks of waiting, the title of the college's next theater production is revealed! In nervous anticipation, you prepare for auditions that will surely be a little intense. Your friends and other theater comrades excitedly begin to pre-cast the characters in hushed tones so as not to upset anyone. The auditions go well and everyone says you did a great job! You can already imagine what it would be like to play a specific character, picturing what your costume would look like and how much stage time you would get. You tell yourself not to get too excited. After all, the director might pick someone else for the part that you so desire. Yet, there is always a secret hope that you will be the star.

     The cast list is posted, naming every character beside the actor's name.
     You press your finger on the newly printed sheet and slide it down until it lands on yours.                    Swiftly, you move it over to see the character that you get to portray.

Rebekah Runner                                                                           Extra

     Immediately, doubt and disappointment flood your mind. Stupid questions reenter your brain. Was I not good enough? Am I not as good of an actor as I thought? What's wrong with me? Were my friends lying to me the whole time when they said I was good? The director must not like me.

     Friends, every performer has felt the saddened shame of not being chosen to perform in the spotlight. This is a most recent reality for me. This has happened multiple times before, and each time it does I have to remind myself of the truth. I do theater because I enjoy it. I work hard because I work unto the Lord. God's plan for me is to have that specific part, even if it is just smiling in the shadows.

     This pertains not only to theater and on-stage performance. This relates to all of life. 

Sometimes your full potential can only be reached where no one can see it. 

     We complain that if we work "behind the scenes" no one will notice us. We won't receive the credit for a job well done. It's not worth putting in all the effort if it is not recognized.

     This is a lie! I have been given many jobs and put into many situations that seem dumb and trivial compared to the grand scheme of things. (My work study jobs on campus currently include putting computer paper into all the printers on campus and washing dishes on Saturday mornings.) I have been a greeter at a bookstore, a stage manager who turns on a fog machine, a fill-in player, an assistant to the assistant, and the silent listener. Most people view these as trivial jobs, but the Lord can give you an attitude of seeing it as a grand opportunity.

     Every small act of kindness or diligence in a trivial task can be used to the glory of God! 

     You have been placed in your position by the Lord Almighty, and He is the only one who can see the outcome of your faithfulness! He's got such a grand plan in store!

     So here's a challenge for you today. No matter where you are at in life (if you are a farm hand, an intern, an introverted friend, a dishwasher, an accompanist, a bench-warmer, or a background actor) be the best you can be for the glory of God! He can use you to your full potential no matter how small of a box you think you're in!

The Answer

     She found herself staring at the back wall again. How long had she been staring in that fashion this time? It was such a weird feeling; her mind felt completely empty and overwhelmingly full at the same time. How do you process unexpected situations?

     She felt like she got hit by a truck. All of the sudden, her marvelous morning had turned into an afternoon rushed with adrenaline. She didn’t know how to process the sudden change. Eventually her mind just gave up on thoughts and emotions and just settled in an empty void.  Sadly, she couldn’t stay there forever. Although it felt like a bad dream, that situation was her reality.

     The funny thing about tough circumstances is that they reveal deep thoughts that would have otherwise never been explored. As she sat alone, trying to think, deep questions arose in her head.

     What does it mean to be strong? After that day, many of her friends had come to tell her of how strong she was. They marveled at how she pushed through the difficulties and stood firm while those around her seemed to crumble with emotions. Over and over they told her this, and yet she never truly believed it although she nodded and laughed with the group verbally. She was not strong. She was just trying to handle it like she had practiced in her head multiple times for fun during sleepless nights.

     “How would I react if something bad happened?” She had thought many times before while lying in bed waiting for sleep to overcome her. She knew the facts and had imagined her response; although never in her wildest dreams did she think it would escape her imaginative fantasy and become reality.

     That brought up another question. What does it mean to be calm under pressure? Sure, during that moment, she remained calm…on the outside. She tried to keep her voice steady, control her breathing, and stop her body from shaking. However, her mind (which always seemed to be her constant enemy) taunted her with frightened thoughts and horrific scenarios. She was calm, but not at peace. She knew how to turn off her emotions, momentarily, to get the job done. That is not always the best solution, though.

     During the days afterwards, she struggled with a question that she had never truly had to face before. What does it mean to forgive? She couldn’t forget, although she desperately wanted to. Forgetting never truly eliminates the problem. It just contains it for a while. Through many days and nights of wondering, she came to the conclusion that forgiveness wasn’t forgetting; it was letting go. Forgiveness wasn’t an easy fix (like Ramen noodles or canned chili), it was a slow and deliberate process that took time and dedication (like a simmering stew or a well-done roast). She couldn’t expect herself to get over the circumstance easily, but it would come to her with the Lord’s help.

     She stood up from her curled position on the floor in the corner of the room and decided to walk around campus. As she did so she couldn’t help but wonder if life would ever go back to normal. What was normal? Is there a normal? She supposed there wasn’t. Normal must be an ever changing feeling of stability that periodically gets moved. You can never go back to a normal you once had, because once you leave it it ceases to exist. You cannot hold on to it, you just have to keep searching to find it once again after it changes.

     All of the sudden, it hit her. This experience, although it was unexpected and not at all what she would have wished for, had changed her as a person. It had given her new questions that needed to be answered in her mind. Although it would be hard to adjust to, life had not ended, it had just changed. 

     Her Lord had not changed, though. He is ever-constant. Her life-long mission was to follow Him no matter what and that meant trusting Him to use that situation for good, just like He had done a thousand times before.

     She was strong when she trusted in Him. She was calm under pressure when she believed He had everything under control. She could forgive because He had forgiven her. He was, is and will always be her normal because He is enough. He was the answer.

He is her answer.

Falling in Love

     I have been listening to my two beautiful cousins give detailed narratives about how they met their men. They are both gorgeous women, both inside and out; I admire them greatly. As I was intently listening to them, I noticed that they both said similar things. They both had given up trying to find a man and then got brought them wonderful, Godly men out of nowhere. It hit me today. They did not find a man because they were beautiful. They found a man because they were God’s daughters and He saw that it fit into His timing.

     Sadly, I had unconsciously come to the conclusion that I was not going to get someone out of chance. There was no way that I would be noticed out of the crowd of girls who are all fighting for the same thing. The majority of girls better fit the common description of what a girlfriend should be. I would be left as a consolation prize. God could find a man for me if He wanted, but if left up to chance, there would be no way. Gosh. I wouldn’t even choose me! If someone was going to notice me, then I had to take matters into my own hands.

     It had gotten to the point where I was secretly trying too hard. Others may not have noticed it because I am a generally nice person to everyone, but I know myself too well. I’m annoying. I catch myself striving to get attention. I’m good at it too. I know the right phrases to say, when to say them, how to say them in a way that it not immediately noticeable. It’s terrible! Being a generally nice person comes with the perks of manipulating people kindly without them knowing it.

     This is not how I want my love story to be. 

     When I am telling my children and grandchildren about how I met my love, I don’t want it to be a story of how I caught him. I don’t want it to be a narrative about how I said the right phrases, got him to ask me out, and manipulated him to notice me out of the crowd. That is not the story that I want to tell. That is not the legacy I want to have.

     I want to fall in love. Have you ever actually thought about that phrase? Falling is never a naturally pleasant action. It goes against how we were wired. We were created to catch ourselves when we feel that we are falling. It is commonly embarrassing and awkward. Some people fall for the thrill of it, but I don’t think anyone has actually ever been completely confident about falling. It is unexpected.

     I don’t want to plan my romance. That is not the role that I think women were made to play. We try to plan out every detail of our lives, from the school where we will go to the color of the flowers at our wedding. Love is something you shouldn’t plan. It needs to be God-inspired.

     Recently, I have learned that I cannot guard my own heart. I am a terrible guard. I get hopelessly distracted and by the time that I realize that I am I have already lost a bit of what I was supposed to protect. Thankfully, the Lord has saved me from losing much. However, it is exhausting, all that running back and forth. Every time that I come back I am even more discouraged that I went away. 

I cannot trust only myself to guard something so precious as my heart.

     So Lord, Daddy, My King, you have got to get a better detail on this treasure. It has got to be more than just me, because I am not doing so well. Cover my eyes when I get distracted, even by good things. Stop my wayward thoughts if it is not the time or the place. Guard me so that I may guard my heart better. Help me to see those around me as just people, not as all future soulmates. Make me totally oblivious to the romance world so that when it is finally time, I can actually fall in love.

Your Princess,

                        Rebekah 

In the Eye of the Beholder

     I believe that every human being is beautiful. I think that every human being should be showcased in such a way that reveals that beauty. That is why I love photography. Photography reveals God's creations in such a way that you can't help but enjoy it.

     My cousin, Karis, loves taking photos and I don't mind being her subject. Now I struggle with my self-image. I am not at a healthy weight and that is a part of me that I don't like. Many times it gets in the way of how I view myself.

If I just focus on the parts that I wish I could change, 

then I can't see how the Lord really views me. 

     These pictures that my cousin took are absolutely gorgeous. It encourages my heart to see how beautiful I am!

     Now I don't want this to sound prideful or pompous, but I believe that every person (especially women) need to be able to view themselves as absolutely stunning. I do not mean that they should be gorgeous on the standard of all the hot models on the advertisements. That won't do anyone any good. However, it is encouraging and helpful when a girl can look at herself in a picture and know that she is exactly formed how the Lord created her to be! There is confidence in that truth!

The Disease of Comparison

     Although I'm a stickler for a good metaphor, I figured that I should return to just a normal blog post. Not to say that my blog is a "normal" one.

There I go comparing myself again! 

     It is sad how many times I catch myself comparing myself to other people around me! It truly is a dangerous hole to get stuck in. It is a vicious cycle of putting yourself down because you are not the same or similar to people around you. It is even worse when you realize that you are comparing yourself to people that you don't even know exist! How pathetic is that?

     College is a wondrous opportunity. I don't think I have emphasized that enough on my blog. (If you talk to me, however, I will give you the full analysis of how great it is.) I get to be involved in such cool activities that I would have never been able to do at home. I get to make decisions for myself, which is both a freedom and a burden. I have met so many wonderful people that I have drawn so close to in only a matter of months. On top of all that, I get to go to school to learn about theater and music. How cool is that!

     However, coming from a conservative homeschool family, I have had to deal with some inward things recently that have not come up before.

Comparison. 

     Being homeschooled, I really did not have too many peers in the same classes or situations as I to compare myself to. Also, my mom was really good at helping me to focus on what was true and not what other people were like. As I child, I was too focused on my next story or my imaginative worlds to pay much attention to other people.

     Being in college is a whole different realm. The adult world is full of comparison. That is how people get jobs and promotions. That is how we grade papers, pick our favorite music, choose friends, choose our significant others, and perceive the world around us. The field that I am studying is all about comparison. Auditions are the height of choosing people based on how they stand up to the others. It is not the fairest field to go into.

     Being around couples is another new situation that I am slowly learning to adjust to. As I see friends pair up into cute little bundles of happiness, my mind starts to perceive myself differently. When will it be my turn? Could there be someone out there that will choose me? Does my worth change with my relationship status? Of course, all of these thoughts can be taken down with the truth of God's Word. But this is a new battle of the mind that I have not really had to face before.

     Even yesterday as I went Black Friday shopping with a group of friends I found myself struggling with comparison. There is always that deceitful little lie in your mind that says you should be able to fit into that dress to be normal and beautiful. Or imagine what it would take for you to be the perfect models in all the advertisements posted on the walls. While everyone else around me was enjoying the sales and good buys, I was contemplating the sad world of comparison.

     It saddens me to know that every human being struggles with this disease. Most people don't realize how infectious it is. It is a parasite that slowly controls your mind so that you can only see the world through contacts of comparison. Everything around you is judged not based on the worth of the individual but by how it matches up to other things around it. People need to realize how false this view is.

     We need to view people by the correct standard. Every human being is made by God in a specific way that is beautiful and wonderful. Each brain is wired to think in unique ways. Each talent is cool because it is done in its own fashion. Each body was shaped by the Maker to be exactly how He wants it.

No human is the perfect version or the final product. 

     This is the truth that I have to continually repeat to myself. I may not have the perfect body, the most entrancing voice, the best acting skills, the smartest brain, or the friendliest personality.

     But I am His creation. I am His character in His story of life. I am right where he wants me to be, in every aspect of my life. This is the truth. This is the cure for the disease.

College Report: One Month In

     This is my life now. Sometimes I can't truly believe it. Other times I feel like I have lived this way for a long time.

     I am writing this post because today marks the one month anniversary that I have been on my own. Yes. I have been at college for a full month now! It's crazy!

     I think I am finally getting used to my routine. I woke up this morning and I didn't have to frantically scan my calendar to remember what classes I had today. I know the best spots to study and when to hit the cafeteria for the hot food. I have calculated how early I need to leave my room to make my first class and that I don't need to take all my textbooks to every class period. I know when to take time to relax with friends and when to stick to my homework. I am not saying that it is easy or that I have figured out this whole college thing. However, I can finally take a breath and feel more confident that it can be achieved successfully.

     My classes are all pretty cool. I find it so interesting how diverse all the professors are. They teach so differently and have various expectations of me that it is easy to be confused. They are all really nice, even though a few of them have some very unique peculiarities. (I have never had a teacher demonstrate a monkey call in class until now.) I really enjoy getting to learn more and more about Music and Theater, the two passions I have come here to study.

It is just so cool to be able to go to school to learn more about my gifts and talents!

     There are so many opportunities here at Bryan College that I had to narrow it down to just a few so that I could do things well. I am involved in Women's Chorus and the Hilltop Players (which is the theater group). I also have two small jobs: working with the IT Department and the Cafeteria. And of course, there is always trying to pick something fun to do on the weekends.

I have learned how special Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays are!

     Despite how absolutely wonderful college is, it comes with its own share of worries. The looming stack of homework is always there and the fear of forgetting something important frequently comes to mind. There is also a new element of comparison that I discovered that I have here that I am constantly trying to control. Being a former homeschooler, I didn't quite have the weight of comparing myself to other people my age. Here it is a different story. I constantly need to remind myself of my importance through Christ, not how I compare to my peers and classmates.

     Also, I am struggling a bit with comparing myself to couples or soon-to-be-couples. All through my middle school and high school years, I could throw away my longing for a guy with the excuse that I was not old enough to date. It was a very realistic excuse to toss away my girlish feelings. I am now at a time when that excuse no longer applies to me. I am old enough to date and get married. I watch guys, mostly objectively to see how they handle situations. I am keeping a keen eye out for the one, but at the same time I am holding myself back.

I don't want to date because I am eligible.

     It has just been pressing on my mind lately. I keep praying that the Lord will take control of my thoughts so that I don't fall into the trap that so many girls do. That is why I actively attempt to watch and observe.

     I knew that college would be amazing but also that it would have its challenges. It has been incredible this far! I also wasn't ready for the challenges to arise so quickly. This is a time of growth in who I am as a person and who I am in the Lord. It is just the Lord and I now. And He sure is working on me!

Guilty About College

I am supposed to go to college. 

   
     There is no doubt about it. Everything has kind of fallen into place in such a way that some people might think it is fate.

     But I know Who it really is. 

     I have all of my classes picked out, I have miracously won an acting scholarship, all the staff have been so kind and supportive, I've gotten a secret donor, I will have family nearby to comfort me, a great roommate that I already know, and lots of cousins to spend time with. It is all ready.

I am ready to go to college.

     I have mentally prepared myself over and over again that I think I've run over most of the scenarios. My dream of leaving home to explore on my own is about to happen. Eagerly, I long for the adventures that await. I am ready to start learning again. The summer has seemed to drag out so long and yet be swiftly fleeting at the same time. I have my lists, I've gone school supply shopping, and I have my college styled wardrobe. The countdown seems to be ticking ever so slowly.

     And yet...

     I love my life here too. Indiana has been a great home for the last four years. I have enjoyed the people I have gotten to know and the activities I have gotten to relish. In these past years, I have grown so much as an individual and I partially owe it to moving to a new location. Moving was hard but I am so glad we did it. However, now I am rooted in my town, I have a job that I love, and awesome friends.

     I have established an honorable reputation, I think. Over the past few days I have received comments about how I could perhaps get higher positions with more responsibility because people have seen the potential I have in different areas of work and worship. If I stayed, there are many leadership positions I could aim for and perhaps get. As I mention that there is less than a month until my departure, my coworkers and friends are deflated and slightly resentful.

I don't want to feel guilty.

     My parents guard me against feeling guilty that I am going to college. I understand what they are saying, yet I can feel my people pleaser personality slipping back into feeling like I am letting people down. Remarks such as "Well, if you were staying we wouldn't be in such a mess." or "If you didn't have to run off to college I could see you helping us by taking over such and such a position" tingle a pang of guilt inside. The world doesn't rest on my shoulders, but sometimes it seems as if half of it does. And that half is heavy.

I am going to college.

     I have no doubt in my mind that that is where the Lord has planned for me to go. He is the Author of my life. There are unique opportunities here and I think that they are great and wonderful. But Indiana is not the road I am supposed to travel on during this next school year, Bryan College is.

     I am excited to see where this road it leads and I want to transition with no regrets.