Breaking the Type Cast

     Guys! Guess what?! I am doing something new, and a little scary. I am breaking the type cast.

     

     What is a type cast? Well, it is the association of certain kinds of characters with specific types of people. For instance, sidekicks are usually short and round, while princesses are 90 pounds and 5'5''. Our culture has developed a mentality that certain body types work with specific characteristics.

     

     In my own acting debuts, I have "found" my type cast. I play the loving mothers, crazy aunts, or hilarious sidekicks. I can play those roles really well and it is great! However, I became so focused on the roles that I play that it became a constrictive box that I placed myself in. I began to envision myself as my type cast in real life. I was just a secondary character in other people's stories. I would always play the best friend in my everyday life, and I would never be the princess because my body size and shape didn't fit. I had become stagnant in who I thought I was as an individual and I became complacent in imagining myself as anything other than the comedic matriarch.

     

     Well, I got cast in the opera as the female lead. Griletta is a character who is the opposite of my normal roles. She is flirty, very feminine, attractive, and gets the man in the end.

     

     I have personally struggled so much with this role. I have defeated myself mentally, telling myself that I was not adequate, pretty, or thin enough to play this part. There was no way that the audience was going to take this character seriously because I was playing her. Who would imagine that a curvy girl like me would get the man in the end? That is just not how storytelling is done. I convinced myself that the director had made the wrong choice in casting me in this role.

     

     Guys, I love theatre with all my heart. Yet, one of the downfalls of being an actress is that the characters that you play have the ability to mold your self-image if you allow it. I knew that danger, I think, but I definitely didn’t realize how skewed my perception of myself had become. 

     I am nervous about the opera performances this weekend. I am anxious about how I will be perceived in this role that is way out of my comfort zone. I am worried that the character I play will not be able to be received because it is I who is bringing her to life. But this fear is invalid, because it is not my job to make the audience like me. It is my job to remain true to the story and let God take care of the rest. I need to let go of my wrong perception of myself and just be on stage.

     

     I am honestly very excited to be bringing this story to life! It is full of comedy, romance, and a whole lot of impressive singing! It has been a personal journey for me, and I am glad for it to finally come to a wonderful finish on the Rudd stage! I hope all of you come if you can!

Love,

            Your humble thespian,

                                                Rebekah 

I Don't Want to Be Famous

     I don't want to be famous. 

   
     That sounds kind of funny coming from a girl who is majoring in Musical Theater and who wants to perform for a career, doesn't it? That sounds kind of weird coming from a girl whose song has reached a few thousand people already, right? That sounds kind of comical coming from a girl who loves being on the stage, you know?

     However, it is true. I have thought about it a lot recently and I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be famous, not that that will ever be a reality.

     Now don't get me wrong; it is quite nice being recognized and complemented on doing a job well done on stage. Performing requires a lot of background work that nobody ever sees or realizes, so it is rewarding to be complemented by audience members. It is one of the nice aspects of the job. However, soon the memory of the performance dissolves away and you eventually just fade into the background of life again. Although being the center of attention can be exciting, there is always a part of me who desires to just go back to being little me again.

I don't want to be famous because it is unrealistic. 

     No one stays famous for long. Peoples' likes and dislikes change so rapidly. One minute they can love you and the next they can despise every word you say. It is also unrealistic to be famous. Most of the time, people idolize the part of the performers that they can see, which is usually just on stage. That is not their real life. The person I am on stage is usually completely different from who I am as just me. It would be so heartbreaking to know that people only liked you because of the facade that they think is the real you.

I don't want to be famous because it would be annoying.

     It would honestly get annoying if people complemented you all the time. It would become meaningless and cliche, which I would never want. I want to take every kind word as a true expression of the heart, not as just another excited individual being annoying.

I don't want to be famous because it would be confining. 

     Our culture idolizes celebrities to an extent that is ridiculous. However, does anybody stop to wonder if the celebrities get any say in their lives? They are just everyday, normal human beings whose occupation happens to be in front of the world. They are on camera all of the time so they have to maintain an image that is probably not accurate to who they truly are! Living under the microscope of culture would be such a burdensome way to live.

I don't want to be famous for me.

     The whole purpose of living on this world is to glorify God and to share the amazing news of salvation with whoever we come in contact with! If I ever become famous (which again probably won't ever happen but just imagine with me) I would want to desire with all my heart to give glory where it is due. I don't have the gifts, talents, or personality I have just out of random chance. It is the Lord's gifts to me and it is my challenge to use them to give the credit to the One who gave them to me in the first place! Hopefully that means that I can use them in the performing world just out of the delight I get from being on stage!

I don't want to be famous, but I want the Lord to be through me!

Masking Pain

     Sometimes I think we forget that Christians are broken people. In the church, we have this idea that since we have believed in the Lord all of our problems and sin issues should magically not exist anymore. We have inhabited this impersonation of a group of people who do not struggle with anything because we go to church and pray.

     We walk into the church building with our heads held high. We smile and greet our fellow believers with a casual attitude although we didn't go to sleep last night til 3am because we were arguing with our spouse on the brink of divorce. We shake hands with our pastor with a well rehearsed confidence that masks the guilt we feel from looking at porn before getting dressed for the service. We sing the songs of praise to the Lord so loudly just so that we can get compliments from the surrounding congregation about how much musical talent we have because we have such low self-esteem. We eagerly implore to hear others prayer requests while failing to mention our own.

Christians have perfected the act of masking pain. 

     Until I moved to college, I didn't truly realize how broken Christians were. During my childhood, my "Christian bubble" was too well designed to disguise the realities of fallen humanity. I always associated pornography, sexual sins, depression, anxiety. bitterness, hatred and other issues to be problems that people outside the boundaries of the church faced. College has disrupted that perception. I am glad that it did, otherwise I would have still lived in that fictional reality.

Although the Lord is always working in you, there will still be sin and pain in your life.

     My fellow brothers and sisters, I implore you to be honest. First of all, be honest with the Lord. Sometimes we are afraid to speak to the Lord truthfully about how we feel about situations. It is natural to cry out to the Lord and ask Him why this is happening in your life! David did it all the time in the Psalms! The Lord already knows your heart so do not be reluctant to bring it before Him. Secondly, be honest with your brothers and sisters in Christ. As the body, it is our joy and duty to edify, encourage, and pray for you, not to condemn you! You and I are never alone in our struggles! Don't believe that lie for single second!

     I write all of this as an introduction. Last semester the Lord wrote a song through me. I don't say that as a pretense of humility. I literally sat down to write a blog post at my laptop and forty minutes later a song appeared on my screen! I don't ever write songs, but this one seemed to flow unconsciously from my fingertips. The Lord has already used it as a medium to present truth to people who are hurting around me at college. The truths that I have written I claim to hold to as best as I can.

This world is hard and it is filled with so much sorrow, but the Lord is good!

He is what we have to hold on to! 

Why I Do Theater

The bright lights. The exuberant makeup. The fancy costumes. 

The red curtain. The finishing bows. The excited applause.

     These are the things that come to mind when many people think of theater. They are all true. There are so many iconic aspects of performing that fill many actors, singers, and dancers with delight. During that moment when the show is done and you hear the roaring applause, you truly feel like you have finished a job well done! It's a wonderful feeling!

     However, that is not why I do theater. Although the numerous congratulations and pats on the back are wonderful and elating they don't last. The next week I am washing dishes in the back of a kitchen where nobody cares what I can do on stage. The memory of watching a show only lingers so long in an audience member's mind. Success is only a fleeting experience.

So why do I do theater?

     I do theater because I am a storyteller at heart. I have always been and will always been a person who shares stories, because I consider the whole of history a story. I delight in becoming a character on stage and creating their backstory that nobody will ever know but me. I enjoy becoming somebody else just for a moment so that I can see what the world looks like from their eyes. I can do so many things on stage that I would never be able to do in real life. Storytelling through theater fills a creative need that I naturally have.

     I do theater because it is a gift that God has given me. I am good at it and I enjoy every part of the process. Many of my fellow actors don't enjoy the rehearsal process, only the performances. However, rehearsals are how you create the world you want to present! They are filled with layers upon layers of discovery! Each time you practice a scene you discover more and more of why the characters think the way they do and how they relate to the other people on stage. God has given me a gift to create, and I thoroughly enjoy using it. He has also given me the gift of empathy. I feel what other people are feeling, and that works well on stage.

     I do theater because it impacts people. Theater has been a part of culture since the early ages of humanity. Even with our modern methods of storytelling, theater is still not dead! Why? People are still drawn to the story when they can see real people right in front of them. There is a special connection that actors have with the audience. They both feed off of each other in a mutual respect for the other. It's fascinating! I want to use the stories I present on stage to inspire people to follow the Lord and follow good examples. I want to use the stories I present to convict people of the wrong actions they may be doing in their own life by showing them how the consequences could affect their loved ones around them. (Theater shows the whole story from the inception to the conclusion.) I want to use the stories I present to challenge people to work hard, to treat others with respect, and to see the beauty of the world around them.

     Although most of the scripts are not blatantly Christian, I think that most of them can be used to share the Gospel. So many stories exhibit sin and the consequences it has. They are filled with relationship problems. God created this world, and so no matter what stories we create it all really comes back to Him whether we realize it or not.

That's why I do theater. 

But the applause is nice too...

Is Imagination a Sin?

   

     When does imagination become a sin?

     This startling thought popped into my head a couple days ago and it has been resonating with me since then.
   
     Just to give you a bit of clarity, let me give you some background information about myself. I am an immensely imaginative person. Ever since I was a little girl I have always been enthralled with creating new worlds inside my head. I would read books and visualize the words in my head to where the characters and places were real to me. Sometimes I would go further and dream about who I would be if I was suddenly placed in the story. I was the ringleader and game-maker in my posy of siblings, always coming up with the next game we would play in the backyard. Sometimes we would be in Narnia along with the kings and queens and fantasy creatures, other times we were lonely orphans who had to live in the woods to survive without being caught by the evil orphanage owner, and then other times we would pick which animal we wanted to be and we would crawl around for hours in the red clay dirt living alligators or lions. I built fairy houses out of sticks, leaves, and moss for little fairies who needed places to stay. All of my little plastic animal figurines had complicated family trees and individual personalities. My childhood was a happy compilation of villains, heroes, and the damsels in distress.
     
     As I grew older, I didn't act upon my imagination through elaborate games as I once did. I would still daydream and create in my head, but my stories exhibited themselves through writing and movie making. Eventually, work and school dominated most of my free time and I was only left with my imagination inside my head.
   

     Now, having a vivid imagination is not a sin. The imagination itself is not an evil thing. In fact, my creative nature has help shape how I view the world and relationships. Pretend playtime prepared me for my present positions. The Lord gave certain people a fantastic mind so that we can create. It is a faction of Him that He puts into His human beings.

   
     Here's the problem. Now that I'm older I use my imagination to escape. I daydream and make up scenarios in my head that seem like they are out of a story. I come up with lovely circumstances that I would love to actually happen to me in real life. Stories of love, romance and perfect relationships cloud my mind throughout the day and into the night. This may seem like a pleasant pastime, but it can be a harmful hobby. The more I imagine how I think my life should be, the more disgruntled and disappointed I am with what reality really is.
   
     That's when imagination is a sin. When we love our own make-believe stories so much that we are miserable living the one that He gave us, we are sinning. We are putting something else before the Lord.
                                                                    He is the Author. 

                      We are just a most beloved character in His grand historical novel of life. 

 
      I know that I need to work on separating my imagination from my desires. It is fine to create. In fact, it is a gift that He has given me and is a part of my purpose. I just need to stop trying to write my own story and leave it up to Him.
 

 He has already written it anyway. 

   

Smiling in the Shadows

     The play is announced! After weeks of waiting, the title of the college's next theater production is revealed! In nervous anticipation, you prepare for auditions that will surely be a little intense. Your friends and other theater comrades excitedly begin to pre-cast the characters in hushed tones so as not to upset anyone. The auditions go well and everyone says you did a great job! You can already imagine what it would be like to play a specific character, picturing what your costume would look like and how much stage time you would get. You tell yourself not to get too excited. After all, the director might pick someone else for the part that you so desire. Yet, there is always a secret hope that you will be the star.

     The cast list is posted, naming every character beside the actor's name.
     You press your finger on the newly printed sheet and slide it down until it lands on yours.                    Swiftly, you move it over to see the character that you get to portray.

Rebekah Runner                                                                           Extra

     Immediately, doubt and disappointment flood your mind. Stupid questions reenter your brain. Was I not good enough? Am I not as good of an actor as I thought? What's wrong with me? Were my friends lying to me the whole time when they said I was good? The director must not like me.

     Friends, every performer has felt the saddened shame of not being chosen to perform in the spotlight. This is a most recent reality for me. This has happened multiple times before, and each time it does I have to remind myself of the truth. I do theater because I enjoy it. I work hard because I work unto the Lord. God's plan for me is to have that specific part, even if it is just smiling in the shadows.

     This pertains not only to theater and on-stage performance. This relates to all of life. 

Sometimes your full potential can only be reached where no one can see it. 

     We complain that if we work "behind the scenes" no one will notice us. We won't receive the credit for a job well done. It's not worth putting in all the effort if it is not recognized.

     This is a lie! I have been given many jobs and put into many situations that seem dumb and trivial compared to the grand scheme of things. (My work study jobs on campus currently include putting computer paper into all the printers on campus and washing dishes on Saturday mornings.) I have been a greeter at a bookstore, a stage manager who turns on a fog machine, a fill-in player, an assistant to the assistant, and the silent listener. Most people view these as trivial jobs, but the Lord can give you an attitude of seeing it as a grand opportunity.

     Every small act of kindness or diligence in a trivial task can be used to the glory of God! 

     You have been placed in your position by the Lord Almighty, and He is the only one who can see the outcome of your faithfulness! He's got such a grand plan in store!

     So here's a challenge for you today. No matter where you are at in life (if you are a farm hand, an intern, an introverted friend, a dishwasher, an accompanist, a bench-warmer, or a background actor) be the best you can be for the glory of God! He can use you to your full potential no matter how small of a box you think you're in!

Guilty About College

I am supposed to go to college. 

   
     There is no doubt about it. Everything has kind of fallen into place in such a way that some people might think it is fate.

     But I know Who it really is. 

     I have all of my classes picked out, I have miracously won an acting scholarship, all the staff have been so kind and supportive, I've gotten a secret donor, I will have family nearby to comfort me, a great roommate that I already know, and lots of cousins to spend time with. It is all ready.

I am ready to go to college.

     I have mentally prepared myself over and over again that I think I've run over most of the scenarios. My dream of leaving home to explore on my own is about to happen. Eagerly, I long for the adventures that await. I am ready to start learning again. The summer has seemed to drag out so long and yet be swiftly fleeting at the same time. I have my lists, I've gone school supply shopping, and I have my college styled wardrobe. The countdown seems to be ticking ever so slowly.

     And yet...

     I love my life here too. Indiana has been a great home for the last four years. I have enjoyed the people I have gotten to know and the activities I have gotten to relish. In these past years, I have grown so much as an individual and I partially owe it to moving to a new location. Moving was hard but I am so glad we did it. However, now I am rooted in my town, I have a job that I love, and awesome friends.

     I have established an honorable reputation, I think. Over the past few days I have received comments about how I could perhaps get higher positions with more responsibility because people have seen the potential I have in different areas of work and worship. If I stayed, there are many leadership positions I could aim for and perhaps get. As I mention that there is less than a month until my departure, my coworkers and friends are deflated and slightly resentful.

I don't want to feel guilty.

     My parents guard me against feeling guilty that I am going to college. I understand what they are saying, yet I can feel my people pleaser personality slipping back into feeling like I am letting people down. Remarks such as "Well, if you were staying we wouldn't be in such a mess." or "If you didn't have to run off to college I could see you helping us by taking over such and such a position" tingle a pang of guilt inside. The world doesn't rest on my shoulders, but sometimes it seems as if half of it does. And that half is heavy.

I am going to college.

     I have no doubt in my mind that that is where the Lord has planned for me to go. He is the Author of my life. There are unique opportunities here and I think that they are great and wonderful. But Indiana is not the road I am supposed to travel on during this next school year, Bryan College is.

     I am excited to see where this road it leads and I want to transition with no regrets.

Being the Villain

     How do you portray someone who isn't you? This probably sounds like a really whimsical, rhetorical question, but for me it is not.
 
     Part of being an actor and a writer and a storyteller is to view a story from a specific point of view (commonly called a POV). Sometimes you get to completely create a POV, and other times is it given to you.
   

    Don't get me wrong. 

 
    Acting from a specific perspective is why I love acting and storytelling. That is why it is fun. It is the chance to try something new and exciting. Impersonating someone else is interesting and thrilling. It's my hobby.
   
    Just because it is fun doesn't mean it is easy. Over the past few years, I have played characters on the theater stage who have had attributes who were similar to my own. I played women who were funny, lighthearted, kind of crazy, but who genuine cared for people. (For those of you who know the story of Pride and Prejudice, I got the privilege of playing the beloved Mrs. Bennet.) Those were fun characters to play.
   
    This is year it's different. Since it is my senior year, I wanted a challenge, and I got it. In the production of Nicholas Nickleby I play two female characters who are the complete opposite of me. I am playing villains, which is a new experience.
   
    Playing characters who are so debase and so self-centered that they abuse other people is so foreign to me. These characters physically abuse (by the means of kicking, hitting, starving, gagging, and strangling) young kids who are helpless. They sell their own children into marriage for money. (I'm telling you, they are some pretty evil people.) It astonishes me how someone could be so cruel, although I know that there are people today who practice similar atrocities.
   
    From an actor's perspective, these are prime characters to play! I get to do many cool things on stage that are specific to my role. I have been privileged to learn fighting on stage techniques from a theater professor! I get to do my own stunts on stage, which has been extremely fun (and painful)!
   
     From my perspective, I have found it difficult to get into character for these roles. Since they are so different from my own ideals it almost pains me to portray someone so evil. To get into the mindset of a person so angry that she would beat a kid is hard. I have to close my eyes and make myself view the scene from a view of an angry, domineering bully. (It also doesn't help when my fellow actors laugh because it is so weird seeing me in character. ;D)
   

     Then again, I find the challenge exciting. 

     It is taking a little more effort than usual, but the end product in March will be worth it! It will definitely NOT be me on stage. It will be the person that I thank the Lord he hasn't let me become. And that is a praise that I am gratefully for. In this play I am showing the audience the darkness so that the light can shine even brighter. In the end, I get punished for my crimes, and that will be a fun scene to play!

After the Curtain Opens

     I don't know why exactly I started this blog in the first place. It was kind of just placed on my heart that I should start one, although I didn't think my life was that interesting. To be honest, this blog has turned into a place where I can reveal what the Lord has been teaching me. It has been a testimony for me and (hopefully) for you.
   
    I thoroughly enjoy writing. It is relaxing and releasing at the same time. Occasionally, I will get writing "longings." This might sound weird, but it is an urge to write. There is a little heaviness inside of me and I have this strong desire to write something.
 
     I get the same 'longing" feeling for acting and singing. Thankfully, I get to do both during the school year. Choir just ended last week, and I am so happy that I got to be a part of a wonderful homeschool choir! It was a blast.
   
    Choir is hard work. It may seem like just singing a fun tune on a stage, but underneath the surface there is a lot more work that goes into creating a show. I can't describe how many diverse jobs there are to build the performance. I probably don't even know all of them. But instead of worrying about all the other jobs that have to get done, I constantly remind myself to focus on my tiny part, and do that job as best as I can.
   
   

     I am a performer. (You've probably guessed that by now.) I enjoy putting on entertainment for a crowd. There is deep sense of satisfaction in making people enjoy their time and creating an environment where they can be fully immersed. I love the lights, the costumes, and the rush of adrenaline before the curtain opens. I enjoy it because I can forget the audience is there and be wrapped in bringing to life something that is beautiful and inspiring. I love singing the gorgeous melodies that make the audience sigh with contentment. I have fun being crazy to invoke an honest laugh that cannot be contained. When I am up on stage, there is no doubt in my mind that that is where I am supposed to be.
 
    Nevertheless, I get nervous! So nervous! Before the adrenaline kicks in, there are the nerves, crawling at me, taunting me, laughing at my pitiful attempts to be a star. Before the curtain open, my confidence is closed and contained behind the gnawing doubt that I might fail. My body shakes, ready to just start the show already. My fists clench tight so that no one else can see them trembling. For weeks and weeks ahead I prayed that I would forget myself and just enjoy what God made me to do. However, the last few minutes of taunting solitude are the most depressing time of the whole semester of practicing for that moment.
 

   The lights are on. The curtains open. The music starts.

   
   Without thinking, I am thrown into the moment of trying to remember every tiny choreographed detail that I have been trying to cram into my brain. Where to stand, when to step, how high to sing, when to take a breath. But it works. The performance I have dreamed of just flows out of me.
 
    I always say that after the first song or scene, I am perfectly fine. The nerves run away after that. It was true for the concert. I just enjoyed myself. I was in raptures! I was doing the thing that I love, that I had memorized each detail, that I had put so much work and time into, I was singing. The crowd always seems to melt away, they disperse until all I can think about it how much fun it is. The Lord was my crowd, and He didn't care one bit that I slipped up a few times.
 

  Beautiful. That is the best word I can use to describe it.

   
    Fulfilling a part of your purpose before the One who created you to do it is so rewarding. For those who were at the concert, my face was probably full of joy because that was what was in my heart. He removed my failings from the mix, and I could just be me. And it fit perfectly.



For those who would like to see a video of my solo please tell. I would be glad to show you.