From Mountains to Cornfields

"The mountains look different everyday!"

     That's what she said every time someone asked her how living at college in the mountains of TN was. It was true. There were so many layers to the mountains. so many distinct rises and falls. Various portions of the mountains were gloriously exhibited each day when the sun shone through the clouds. On rainy days, the greenness of the trees shone more brightly, and the lighting would hide behind the peaks as it struck. On foggy days, sometimes it was hard to imagine that there were miles upon miles of mountainous hills behind the thick wall of gray. Every time she walked to breakfast she would breathe in the crisp mountain air and praise the Lord for His amazing creativity. She would marvel at how magnificent the mountains were that morning.

     The same was true of college. Although it definitely wasn't always glorious, there was always something new and exciting to learn or explore. There were so many different layers of college, from being a dedicated student, to a loyal friend, to a compassionate counselor, to a daughter away from home, to a musician, to an actress, to a human being learning how to trust the Lord better. Each day different factions of her were pushed and pursued. On rainy days, her relationship with the Lord was tested and grown stronger. On foggy days, when she was ready to quit and couldn't see the other side of the problem, there was always a tug at her heart telling her to keep pushing on. The rises and falls of life on her own was challenging but worthwhile and exciting.

     Now she is back to the cornfields of Indiana, her home. Cornfields are very different from mountains. They are flat and you think that you can see all the way across to another state. It is harder to determine how far it goes. It seems to stretch on forever. Cornfields are very organized. They are in straight rows that never seem to falter. They exist to provide food for many hungry people across the United States. They are practical.

     The same has been true of this summer. This summer her goal is to work as much as she can to pay for the next year of college. Home is very different from college. This summer seems to stretch on and on with just the prospect of laborious hours to be worked in the future. If the money isn't saved by the end of the summer than who knows how long the time it will take to acquire it. Life at home is very organized. She goes to work at one job, comes home to eat and then heads out to the other job. It's predicable to a point. It is practical. She is home to work. to save, to be able to return to the mountains.

Life hasn't stopped. But in some ways it feels like it has. 

     It seems to be an intermission in the story so that the participants can gather enough money to be able to see more of the show. However, life doesn't flow that way. There are no gaps in the time line of a human's life. There are seasons and chapters, not chunks with chasms of void in between. This summer is a season, in both the literal and figurative sense of the word.

     Although she waits to see what the next chapter will be, (she hopes it will be another year in college, but she is relying on the Lord's provision to see that be made possible) she keeps on telling herself to enjoy and grow in the chapter she is in. If you try and read too much ahead you won't be able to pay attention to the page you are on.

She is not stuck, she is not being put on hold, she is not being confined. 

     She is supposed to grow in new ways while she is at home in the cornfields. The mountains taught her much, but sometimes you learn new things when you change environments. Only the Lord knows what comes next. Perhaps it will be an entirely new adventure that she would have never imagined!

Confessions of an Optimist

     I am an optimist.

     If you ask any of my friends or family, they will without a doubt confirm this mental state that I am almost always in. If you go up to one of them and ask, "Is Rebekah an optimist or pessimist?" They will probably give you a big smile and say, "Rebekah? She is definitely an optimist!"

     I see the good in a lot of things. While other students complain about being required to go to chapel, I usually remark about how much I love the worship music. While my other actors complain about the long and arduous rehearsal process before the performance, I will usually comment about how important rehearsals are to establish the details of the script that are so much fun to explore. While many people can't stand being stuck in bed sick, I can usually find an excuse to be happy about having a day of rest from my busy week.

Thunderstorms are breathtaking, hard work is producing Godly virtues, 

people who hurt are most likely hurting themselves inside, 

life always works out in the end. 

     Many people make fun of optimists saying that they would rather be a realist. I want to counter this argument by saying that optimists cannot hide from the ugliness of reality any more than pessimists can hide from the beauty of life! Life is hard and sometimes so ugly that you want to disbelieve that it is real. Trust me, I understand. There have been many times in my life when I look up to God and ask, "Why? This isn't worth living in!" There are horrid people who do horrible things that creates feelings of hate in the people who have been affected. There are diseases and catastrophes that wipe out entire towns of people in a matter of days. Life is not rainbows and unicorns like we sometimes desire it to be.

     But that doesn't mean there isn't any beauty at all. After the storm there are rainbows. After you get sick, your body becomes more immune to that virus. After the pain of childbirth, there is a new life. After the struggle of perseverance, there is the delightful feeling of a job well done. After the pain of waiting, God's best comes along.

You cannot see how good God is unless you can see the evil around you. 

     That's why I'm an optimist. Yes, I'm sure it is a part of my DNA somehow that I naturally want to think positively. However, it is also a choice. You have a strength when you choose to think of the good. When you focus on the bad that is all you can see. You lose the willingness to fight. When you focus on the positive, life doesn't seem so unbearable.

     That's why I'm an optimist. Yes, this world is covered in sin and evil. However, that is not the end. God is still in control, and at the end of all things the world will be right again. His glory will be even greater since we have seen the worst of humanity.

     So stay optimistic! Stay filled with joy as you go through the trials of this life! Keep fighting the good fight while keeping your chin up!

Dear College: Freshman Edition

Dear College,

     You have been absolutely wonderful this year! Being with you has been such a neat experience in ways in which I could not have imagined! Although I had mentally prepared myself in some aspects before I was with you, I was definitely not ready for most of it.

     At first it was hard. I had never been on my own before and although the prospect filled me with excitement, I was also nervous and scared. I didn't quite know how I would handle being with you all by myself. Thankfully, I learned real quick that I was never really alone at all! The Lord was my constant. He also graciously provided me with a loving family who wanted to stay in contact with me every week and some amazing friends who wanted to live life with me every day.

     Speaking of friends, I laugh as I think back to my mentality when I first arrived at your doorstep. I thought it was just going to be you and me, college. I was going to be the perfect student, the perfect musician, and the perfect actor. Having other friends wasn't my priority and I thought I wouldn't need them. Wasn't I wrong! I soon became involved in a lovely group of Godly people who became vulnerable and real with me. We knew we were all flawed but we loved each other no matter how flawed we were. I have learned a lot about being a Godly friend and a Godly counselor. Being with you has opened up new doors for me to impact people and I think that's great.

     This first year of our academic relationship hasn't been all sparkling A+ papers and lead roles on stage, though. There have been many bumps in the road, from my grandpa dying to my friends and I going through really rough circumstances. However, it is a part of my story now and I can see how the Lord has used those not-so-nice things to strengthen and grow me as a person in Him. I have learned the lesson of forgiveness. I have learned the lesson of being a good friend. I have learned the lesson of how friendships shift and change into new relationships. I have learned the lesson of being able to serve no matter where I'm at.

I am still learning the lesson of being content. 

I am still learning the lesson of patiently waiting for God's best. 

     I have been in some wonderful shows since we've been together. My passion for theater and music has not subsided but has grown into a stronger love. Although I may have only gotten small parts, I have found out that I can give 100% in any role I may have, either on the stage of make believe or on the stage of real life. My love for music and my ever deepening discovery of my voice has delighted me in my pursuit of learning. I have chosen the right major!

     The last thing I want to say is that I can't believe we have been together for a whole year! I have heard many people say that the years with college go by so fast, and they were right! This year with you has been a whirlwind adventure and I have loved it! I can't wait to see where we go next during sophomore year. I'm excited to keep continuing down this road!

Love, 

                                                                                     Rebekah

Why I Do Theater

The bright lights. The exuberant makeup. The fancy costumes. 

The red curtain. The finishing bows. The excited applause.

     These are the things that come to mind when many people think of theater. They are all true. There are so many iconic aspects of performing that fill many actors, singers, and dancers with delight. During that moment when the show is done and you hear the roaring applause, you truly feel like you have finished a job well done! It's a wonderful feeling!

     However, that is not why I do theater. Although the numerous congratulations and pats on the back are wonderful and elating they don't last. The next week I am washing dishes in the back of a kitchen where nobody cares what I can do on stage. The memory of watching a show only lingers so long in an audience member's mind. Success is only a fleeting experience.

So why do I do theater?

     I do theater because I am a storyteller at heart. I have always been and will always been a person who shares stories, because I consider the whole of history a story. I delight in becoming a character on stage and creating their backstory that nobody will ever know but me. I enjoy becoming somebody else just for a moment so that I can see what the world looks like from their eyes. I can do so many things on stage that I would never be able to do in real life. Storytelling through theater fills a creative need that I naturally have.

     I do theater because it is a gift that God has given me. I am good at it and I enjoy every part of the process. Many of my fellow actors don't enjoy the rehearsal process, only the performances. However, rehearsals are how you create the world you want to present! They are filled with layers upon layers of discovery! Each time you practice a scene you discover more and more of why the characters think the way they do and how they relate to the other people on stage. God has given me a gift to create, and I thoroughly enjoy using it. He has also given me the gift of empathy. I feel what other people are feeling, and that works well on stage.

     I do theater because it impacts people. Theater has been a part of culture since the early ages of humanity. Even with our modern methods of storytelling, theater is still not dead! Why? People are still drawn to the story when they can see real people right in front of them. There is a special connection that actors have with the audience. They both feed off of each other in a mutual respect for the other. It's fascinating! I want to use the stories I present on stage to inspire people to follow the Lord and follow good examples. I want to use the stories I present to convict people of the wrong actions they may be doing in their own life by showing them how the consequences could affect their loved ones around them. (Theater shows the whole story from the inception to the conclusion.) I want to use the stories I present to challenge people to work hard, to treat others with respect, and to see the beauty of the world around them.

     Although most of the scripts are not blatantly Christian, I think that most of them can be used to share the Gospel. So many stories exhibit sin and the consequences it has. They are filled with relationship problems. God created this world, and so no matter what stories we create it all really comes back to Him whether we realize it or not.

That's why I do theater. 

But the applause is nice too...

A Life of Denial

     We all have ways in which we cope with the not-so-pleasant circumstances in life.

     You may show all of your emotions and lash out at the people nearest to you; crawl away in a corner and silently sob by yourself; blame other people for your misfortunes and walk away not feeling guilty; or deny that the event ever happened in the first place. I tend to be the later one.

     Although this first year of college has been absolutely amazing, filled with so many wonderful opportunities and brand new relationships, it hasn't been easy. There have been many difficult circumstances that seemed to have hit me out of nowhere. I have attempted to bring some of those to light on this blog, but it is hard to know how vulnerable to be on the internet.

One common theme that I have noticed is how I handle hard situations. I live in denial.

     My grandpa died on December 5th, 2015. That is a fact. I can process that.

     What I have a hard time processing are the implications of what that really means.... What does that mean? Even now as I write I have to stop typing letters on the screen and think. I will never see him again. I will never feel his arms wrap me in a strong bear hug. Right before I moved to Indiana, he told me that I better watch out for all the northern boys who would like his "southern belle". It makes me smile now just thinking of that, a sad smile.

     My family is thinking about traveling back down to my grandparent's house during the summer, and a large part of me doesn't want to go. The house will be more empty without him. It will probably still smell like him, but he won't be there. It won't be right.

     You know, the last and only time I wrote about his passing was the day he died. I thought that writing the words on the page would help, and it did. But you can't just write something once and think that it magically makes the hurt go away! That's not how grief works. I haven't had the time to grieve. I've been very preoccupied at college,

     It's not like college has been an emotional breeze either. At the very end of January, one of my closest friends contemplated suicide to the point of actually standing on the cliff. As I write that out, I scoff as I think back to how much that affected me. I wasn't actually involved to a great extent. Yet, the stress of that day, and the days before that, twisted my emotions in ways I never believed I could feel.

     Even now I catch myself trying to dismiss both of those bad memories as terrible dreams. "It seems like a nightmare. I didn't actually happen to me. It seems like something out of a dramatic book or movie." Every time I have to remind myself that it did happen. It is now a part of my life's story.

And that's alright.

     You see, denial never gets us anywhere. We just keep going around and around the circle of remembering and hiding the truth of reality. Believe me, it never really goes away. It just keeps playing hide-and-go-seek, popping out at the most random times. A life of denial is a life of creating lies.

     These unfortunate circumstances are a part of us now. They can never go away. They are weaved into the intricate nature of who we are. God knows this. In fact, He used them or is using them now to make us more like Him. When I do look back, I can see how He taught me important lessons in such a quick time frame that I would have never learned if my life was free from depressing emotions! His plan involves some not-so-great things so that we can grow, and we can see Him better. We realize how much we need His love and guidance when we realize how pathetic our own strength is. That's how we deal with the bad. We ask Him to help us with it, instead of living in denial.

Is Imagination a Sin?

   

     When does imagination become a sin?

     This startling thought popped into my head a couple days ago and it has been resonating with me since then.
   
     Just to give you a bit of clarity, let me give you some background information about myself. I am an immensely imaginative person. Ever since I was a little girl I have always been enthralled with creating new worlds inside my head. I would read books and visualize the words in my head to where the characters and places were real to me. Sometimes I would go further and dream about who I would be if I was suddenly placed in the story. I was the ringleader and game-maker in my posy of siblings, always coming up with the next game we would play in the backyard. Sometimes we would be in Narnia along with the kings and queens and fantasy creatures, other times we were lonely orphans who had to live in the woods to survive without being caught by the evil orphanage owner, and then other times we would pick which animal we wanted to be and we would crawl around for hours in the red clay dirt living alligators or lions. I built fairy houses out of sticks, leaves, and moss for little fairies who needed places to stay. All of my little plastic animal figurines had complicated family trees and individual personalities. My childhood was a happy compilation of villains, heroes, and the damsels in distress.
     
     As I grew older, I didn't act upon my imagination through elaborate games as I once did. I would still daydream and create in my head, but my stories exhibited themselves through writing and movie making. Eventually, work and school dominated most of my free time and I was only left with my imagination inside my head.
   

     Now, having a vivid imagination is not a sin. The imagination itself is not an evil thing. In fact, my creative nature has help shape how I view the world and relationships. Pretend playtime prepared me for my present positions. The Lord gave certain people a fantastic mind so that we can create. It is a faction of Him that He puts into His human beings.

   
     Here's the problem. Now that I'm older I use my imagination to escape. I daydream and make up scenarios in my head that seem like they are out of a story. I come up with lovely circumstances that I would love to actually happen to me in real life. Stories of love, romance and perfect relationships cloud my mind throughout the day and into the night. This may seem like a pleasant pastime, but it can be a harmful hobby. The more I imagine how I think my life should be, the more disgruntled and disappointed I am with what reality really is.
   
     That's when imagination is a sin. When we love our own make-believe stories so much that we are miserable living the one that He gave us, we are sinning. We are putting something else before the Lord.
                                                                    He is the Author. 

                      We are just a most beloved character in His grand historical novel of life. 

 
      I know that I need to work on separating my imagination from my desires. It is fine to create. In fact, it is a gift that He has given me and is a part of my purpose. I just need to stop trying to write my own story and leave it up to Him.
 

 He has already written it anyway. 

   

Smiling in the Shadows

     The play is announced! After weeks of waiting, the title of the college's next theater production is revealed! In nervous anticipation, you prepare for auditions that will surely be a little intense. Your friends and other theater comrades excitedly begin to pre-cast the characters in hushed tones so as not to upset anyone. The auditions go well and everyone says you did a great job! You can already imagine what it would be like to play a specific character, picturing what your costume would look like and how much stage time you would get. You tell yourself not to get too excited. After all, the director might pick someone else for the part that you so desire. Yet, there is always a secret hope that you will be the star.

     The cast list is posted, naming every character beside the actor's name.
     You press your finger on the newly printed sheet and slide it down until it lands on yours.                    Swiftly, you move it over to see the character that you get to portray.

Rebekah Runner                                                                           Extra

     Immediately, doubt and disappointment flood your mind. Stupid questions reenter your brain. Was I not good enough? Am I not as good of an actor as I thought? What's wrong with me? Were my friends lying to me the whole time when they said I was good? The director must not like me.

     Friends, every performer has felt the saddened shame of not being chosen to perform in the spotlight. This is a most recent reality for me. This has happened multiple times before, and each time it does I have to remind myself of the truth. I do theater because I enjoy it. I work hard because I work unto the Lord. God's plan for me is to have that specific part, even if it is just smiling in the shadows.

     This pertains not only to theater and on-stage performance. This relates to all of life. 

Sometimes your full potential can only be reached where no one can see it. 

     We complain that if we work "behind the scenes" no one will notice us. We won't receive the credit for a job well done. It's not worth putting in all the effort if it is not recognized.

     This is a lie! I have been given many jobs and put into many situations that seem dumb and trivial compared to the grand scheme of things. (My work study jobs on campus currently include putting computer paper into all the printers on campus and washing dishes on Saturday mornings.) I have been a greeter at a bookstore, a stage manager who turns on a fog machine, a fill-in player, an assistant to the assistant, and the silent listener. Most people view these as trivial jobs, but the Lord can give you an attitude of seeing it as a grand opportunity.

     Every small act of kindness or diligence in a trivial task can be used to the glory of God! 

     You have been placed in your position by the Lord Almighty, and He is the only one who can see the outcome of your faithfulness! He's got such a grand plan in store!

     So here's a challenge for you today. No matter where you are at in life (if you are a farm hand, an intern, an introverted friend, a dishwasher, an accompanist, a bench-warmer, or a background actor) be the best you can be for the glory of God! He can use you to your full potential no matter how small of a box you think you're in!