The Answer

     She found herself staring at the back wall again. How long had she been staring in that fashion this time? It was such a weird feeling; her mind felt completely empty and overwhelmingly full at the same time. How do you process unexpected situations?

     She felt like she got hit by a truck. All of the sudden, her marvelous morning had turned into an afternoon rushed with adrenaline. She didn’t know how to process the sudden change. Eventually her mind just gave up on thoughts and emotions and just settled in an empty void.  Sadly, she couldn’t stay there forever. Although it felt like a bad dream, that situation was her reality.

     The funny thing about tough circumstances is that they reveal deep thoughts that would have otherwise never been explored. As she sat alone, trying to think, deep questions arose in her head.

     What does it mean to be strong? After that day, many of her friends had come to tell her of how strong she was. They marveled at how she pushed through the difficulties and stood firm while those around her seemed to crumble with emotions. Over and over they told her this, and yet she never truly believed it although she nodded and laughed with the group verbally. She was not strong. She was just trying to handle it like she had practiced in her head multiple times for fun during sleepless nights.

     “How would I react if something bad happened?” She had thought many times before while lying in bed waiting for sleep to overcome her. She knew the facts and had imagined her response; although never in her wildest dreams did she think it would escape her imaginative fantasy and become reality.

     That brought up another question. What does it mean to be calm under pressure? Sure, during that moment, she remained calm…on the outside. She tried to keep her voice steady, control her breathing, and stop her body from shaking. However, her mind (which always seemed to be her constant enemy) taunted her with frightened thoughts and horrific scenarios. She was calm, but not at peace. She knew how to turn off her emotions, momentarily, to get the job done. That is not always the best solution, though.

     During the days afterwards, she struggled with a question that she had never truly had to face before. What does it mean to forgive? She couldn’t forget, although she desperately wanted to. Forgetting never truly eliminates the problem. It just contains it for a while. Through many days and nights of wondering, she came to the conclusion that forgiveness wasn’t forgetting; it was letting go. Forgiveness wasn’t an easy fix (like Ramen noodles or canned chili), it was a slow and deliberate process that took time and dedication (like a simmering stew or a well-done roast). She couldn’t expect herself to get over the circumstance easily, but it would come to her with the Lord’s help.

     She stood up from her curled position on the floor in the corner of the room and decided to walk around campus. As she did so she couldn’t help but wonder if life would ever go back to normal. What was normal? Is there a normal? She supposed there wasn’t. Normal must be an ever changing feeling of stability that periodically gets moved. You can never go back to a normal you once had, because once you leave it it ceases to exist. You cannot hold on to it, you just have to keep searching to find it once again after it changes.

     All of the sudden, it hit her. This experience, although it was unexpected and not at all what she would have wished for, had changed her as a person. It had given her new questions that needed to be answered in her mind. Although it would be hard to adjust to, life had not ended, it had just changed. 

     Her Lord had not changed, though. He is ever-constant. Her life-long mission was to follow Him no matter what and that meant trusting Him to use that situation for good, just like He had done a thousand times before.

     She was strong when she trusted in Him. She was calm under pressure when she believed He had everything under control. She could forgive because He had forgiven her. He was, is and will always be her normal because He is enough. He was the answer.

He is her answer.

Falling in Love

     I have been listening to my two beautiful cousins give detailed narratives about how they met their men. They are both gorgeous women, both inside and out; I admire them greatly. As I was intently listening to them, I noticed that they both said similar things. They both had given up trying to find a man and then got brought them wonderful, Godly men out of nowhere. It hit me today. They did not find a man because they were beautiful. They found a man because they were God’s daughters and He saw that it fit into His timing.

     Sadly, I had unconsciously come to the conclusion that I was not going to get someone out of chance. There was no way that I would be noticed out of the crowd of girls who are all fighting for the same thing. The majority of girls better fit the common description of what a girlfriend should be. I would be left as a consolation prize. God could find a man for me if He wanted, but if left up to chance, there would be no way. Gosh. I wouldn’t even choose me! If someone was going to notice me, then I had to take matters into my own hands.

     It had gotten to the point where I was secretly trying too hard. Others may not have noticed it because I am a generally nice person to everyone, but I know myself too well. I’m annoying. I catch myself striving to get attention. I’m good at it too. I know the right phrases to say, when to say them, how to say them in a way that it not immediately noticeable. It’s terrible! Being a generally nice person comes with the perks of manipulating people kindly without them knowing it.

     This is not how I want my love story to be. 

     When I am telling my children and grandchildren about how I met my love, I don’t want it to be a story of how I caught him. I don’t want it to be a narrative about how I said the right phrases, got him to ask me out, and manipulated him to notice me out of the crowd. That is not the story that I want to tell. That is not the legacy I want to have.

     I want to fall in love. Have you ever actually thought about that phrase? Falling is never a naturally pleasant action. It goes against how we were wired. We were created to catch ourselves when we feel that we are falling. It is commonly embarrassing and awkward. Some people fall for the thrill of it, but I don’t think anyone has actually ever been completely confident about falling. It is unexpected.

     I don’t want to plan my romance. That is not the role that I think women were made to play. We try to plan out every detail of our lives, from the school where we will go to the color of the flowers at our wedding. Love is something you shouldn’t plan. It needs to be God-inspired.

     Recently, I have learned that I cannot guard my own heart. I am a terrible guard. I get hopelessly distracted and by the time that I realize that I am I have already lost a bit of what I was supposed to protect. Thankfully, the Lord has saved me from losing much. However, it is exhausting, all that running back and forth. Every time that I come back I am even more discouraged that I went away. 

I cannot trust only myself to guard something so precious as my heart.

     So Lord, Daddy, My King, you have got to get a better detail on this treasure. It has got to be more than just me, because I am not doing so well. Cover my eyes when I get distracted, even by good things. Stop my wayward thoughts if it is not the time or the place. Guard me so that I may guard my heart better. Help me to see those around me as just people, not as all future soulmates. Make me totally oblivious to the romance world so that when it is finally time, I can actually fall in love.

Your Princess,

                        Rebekah 

By the Bedside

She felt absolutely useless. 

     Her grandpa was suffering in the hospital. Her family was already in a state of anticipatory mourning. Her siblings were crying. And there was nothing she could do about it.

     She was stuck at college. Although she loved being on her own in a new place, she wanted to be with them to try and help in some small way. She wanted to do something! Her big sister instincts would rise in her suddenly and the only thing she wanted to do was grab her younger brother and sisters and hold them tight. She wanted the be the strong one, the sister who they could depend on.
But she was too far away.

     Those feelings of absolute uselessness tore at her off and on for the weeks her grandpa laid in a hospital bed struggling to get better. She didn't stop praying and hoping. Her optimism often came in handy as she hopefully recited the kind words that she knew were what she was supposed to say. However, she would tense up involuntarily at every phone call or text she received from her parents. When her tender emotions would rise up within her, she would cut them off with factual knowledge of death, grieving, and medical terminology. It was how she coped with the tense wait for the news.

Unfortunately, you can't predict emotions. 

     Eight text messages and one missed phone call alerts flashed on her phone screen when she turned it on after choir practice. Instinctively, she knew it was bad news. On the phone, her dad told her that her grandpa was in bad condition. The family was going to leave that night to make the twelve hour trip from Indiana to Georgia. Without a second thought, she decided that she was going to Georgia as well, no matter how high the stack of homework was or how many finals there were or how many rehearsals she would have to skip before the concert. Family was more important.

   
   
     She tried to mentally prepare herself. Between the catching up and the cheerful laughter with her family, she tried to mentally picture how her grandpa was going to look. He wouldn't be strong. He wouldn't be healthy. He wouldn't be cheerful. He wouldn't be the grandpa she had seen all of her life. When her dad asked if she wanted to go in the hospital room to see him, she felt conflicted. She wanted to be there for him, but she did not want his sickly state to be the last memory she had of him. However, she knew that she was supposed to go and see him.

     The hospital was so quiet. The whole family talked and joked around to somehow dissolve the unnerving silence. Once they got to his room everyone was solemn. Although, there was always the chance of a miraculous, God-given recovery, she just knew deep down inside that it was the last time she would ever interact with grandpa.

     They all crowded around his bed in the little white room. Her little brother wandered around, inspecting all the strange tubes, blinking lights, and boxes of blue gloves. All the siblings unconsciously lined up in chronological order from oldest to youngest. Grandpa's bloodshot eyes wearily scanned each young face and said their names. That's when the tears started flowing. Not one eye was dry or one throat relaxed.

     After a few loving words were said, he mumbled something very softly that she could barely hear.

"Can you sing for me?"

     At a time like this?! She could barely speak words much less sing! Her throat was clenched so tightly that it hurt to swallow. How could she produce a harmonious melody? Nevertheless, she couldn't say no.

     Her mother and her two sisters crowded around her and they began to sing Amazing Grace. The four of the them had sung together so many times before. They had enthralled many church audiences before with how well they all sang together. Yet this time their music gave joy to only one.

     They sang for almost half an hour, recalling every hymn they could remember. Each time he would close his eyes peacefully during the song, just listening as the songs gradually grew from a shaky single melody to a confident three-part harmony. At the end of each song, though, he would open his eyes like he wondered why they stopped. At last, through his labored breathing they could hear him snoring as he fell asleep listening to the music of his girls.


     My grandpa died the next morning in the presence of his wife and two sons. My family is all together in Georgia comforting one another. No one is going through this alone.

     I thank the Lord for letting me enjoy my grandpa for eighteen years. My grandpa tried to make life full of fun and learning experiences. He would always take us to a movie and buy a giant box of popcorn that we always said we never needed. He taught us how to shoot guns, patiently setting up the Coca-Cola cans and metal spoons the back of his yard again after we hit them. He took us to the Dollar Store every Christmas so that we could learn how to buy presents for everyone else before we thought of ourselves. He was a genius. I always thought it was so cool that I had a grandpa who was a scientist, and he would tell us stories of lab rats and experiments. He was amazing at computers. He would try to explain to me what he was doing and I would always nod like I understood when really I was lost once he got past the common terms. He was funny, and always told us the same nostalgic stories over and over, but we didn't complain because we just liked listening to him.

     Thank you, Lord, for making Royce Runner my grandpa!

In the Eye of the Beholder

     I believe that every human being is beautiful. I think that every human being should be showcased in such a way that reveals that beauty. That is why I love photography. Photography reveals God's creations in such a way that you can't help but enjoy it.

     My cousin, Karis, loves taking photos and I don't mind being her subject. Now I struggle with my self-image. I am not at a healthy weight and that is a part of me that I don't like. Many times it gets in the way of how I view myself.

If I just focus on the parts that I wish I could change, 

then I can't see how the Lord really views me. 

     These pictures that my cousin took are absolutely gorgeous. It encourages my heart to see how beautiful I am!

     Now I don't want this to sound prideful or pompous, but I believe that every person (especially women) need to be able to view themselves as absolutely stunning. I do not mean that they should be gorgeous on the standard of all the hot models on the advertisements. That won't do anyone any good. However, it is encouraging and helpful when a girl can look at herself in a picture and know that she is exactly formed how the Lord created her to be! There is confidence in that truth!

The Disease of Comparison

     Although I'm a stickler for a good metaphor, I figured that I should return to just a normal blog post. Not to say that my blog is a "normal" one.

There I go comparing myself again! 

     It is sad how many times I catch myself comparing myself to other people around me! It truly is a dangerous hole to get stuck in. It is a vicious cycle of putting yourself down because you are not the same or similar to people around you. It is even worse when you realize that you are comparing yourself to people that you don't even know exist! How pathetic is that?

     College is a wondrous opportunity. I don't think I have emphasized that enough on my blog. (If you talk to me, however, I will give you the full analysis of how great it is.) I get to be involved in such cool activities that I would have never been able to do at home. I get to make decisions for myself, which is both a freedom and a burden. I have met so many wonderful people that I have drawn so close to in only a matter of months. On top of all that, I get to go to school to learn about theater and music. How cool is that!

     However, coming from a conservative homeschool family, I have had to deal with some inward things recently that have not come up before.

Comparison. 

     Being homeschooled, I really did not have too many peers in the same classes or situations as I to compare myself to. Also, my mom was really good at helping me to focus on what was true and not what other people were like. As I child, I was too focused on my next story or my imaginative worlds to pay much attention to other people.

     Being in college is a whole different realm. The adult world is full of comparison. That is how people get jobs and promotions. That is how we grade papers, pick our favorite music, choose friends, choose our significant others, and perceive the world around us. The field that I am studying is all about comparison. Auditions are the height of choosing people based on how they stand up to the others. It is not the fairest field to go into.

     Being around couples is another new situation that I am slowly learning to adjust to. As I see friends pair up into cute little bundles of happiness, my mind starts to perceive myself differently. When will it be my turn? Could there be someone out there that will choose me? Does my worth change with my relationship status? Of course, all of these thoughts can be taken down with the truth of God's Word. But this is a new battle of the mind that I have not really had to face before.

     Even yesterday as I went Black Friday shopping with a group of friends I found myself struggling with comparison. There is always that deceitful little lie in your mind that says you should be able to fit into that dress to be normal and beautiful. Or imagine what it would take for you to be the perfect models in all the advertisements posted on the walls. While everyone else around me was enjoying the sales and good buys, I was contemplating the sad world of comparison.

     It saddens me to know that every human being struggles with this disease. Most people don't realize how infectious it is. It is a parasite that slowly controls your mind so that you can only see the world through contacts of comparison. Everything around you is judged not based on the worth of the individual but by how it matches up to other things around it. People need to realize how false this view is.

     We need to view people by the correct standard. Every human being is made by God in a specific way that is beautiful and wonderful. Each brain is wired to think in unique ways. Each talent is cool because it is done in its own fashion. Each body was shaped by the Maker to be exactly how He wants it.

No human is the perfect version or the final product. 

     This is the truth that I have to continually repeat to myself. I may not have the perfect body, the most entrancing voice, the best acting skills, the smartest brain, or the friendliest personality.

     But I am His creation. I am His character in His story of life. I am right where he wants me to be, in every aspect of my life. This is the truth. This is the cure for the disease.

A Princess in a Tower (Another Metaphor)

      The princess stared out the window of her tower, anxiously looking to the horizon. She was waiting. Oh! How she hated the sound of that word! It filled her with such a heavy feeling of longing that she couldn't shake off. Waiting was such a painful experience that she had to do over and over again it seemed.
   
     What made the waiting worse was that she knew what she was waiting for. She was waiting for her prince to climb up and rescue her from her predicament. She was living at the top of a very tall tower that extended from the ground so high that she could see for miles around. She had never left the tower, unlike many of the other princess around her.
   
     You see, the King had set up towers for all of His precious princesses to keep them safe. When each girl was born a prophecy was announced over them that in the future their prince would come. However, the King knew that there were many men in the world who pretended to be noble princes but who were scoundrels in disguise. Because of His great wisdom and foresight, He built towers all around His kingdom for His precious princesses to live in until their true prince would come along. These towers were huge! They stretched out to the sky and were built from study mountain stone. They were constructed so intricately that to climb them one would scratch his hands and knees and make them bleed. That was the King's design.

It was a test to determine who deserved the treasure at the top.

   
     At first, the princesses didn't mind living in their towers. It was home to them and it was filled with so many wonderful toys, books, and games that it was easy to pass away the time.  There were so many new things to learn about the world that their curiosity was content with the interior of their dwelling. However, after a certain time, they began to stare outside the window more and more.

     Playing games became less desirable, and imagining their princes-to-be became the prominent thought of their minds. Many of them couldn't stand the waiting. Against their father's anxious plea, they climbed down their towers in search of their own princes. They left the safety of their dwelling and took matters into their own hands. To the overwhelming sadness of the King, many of them fell into despair as they realized what a horrible mistake it was.

     The beautiful princess saw her sisters leave their towers and find soulmates. A part of her hurt for them because of the disappointing outcome of their decisions, and yet she wanted to join them. It seemed as if it were the only possible way that she would ever have a prince of her own. It certainly was working to an extent. Although it wasn't what the prophecy had foretold, it did produce results.
Every day she would gaze down the stone walls of her dwelling and wondered how much it would hurt if she tried climbing down to the bottom. Would it be worth the pain?

     Many men wandered at the foot of her tower. She would eagerly call to them and they would converse in a friendly manner. Yet none of them desired to make an effort to climb up to be with her.
Each time they would saunter off leaving the princess in confusion and doubt. How would the prophecy come true if none dared to try? Was she not worth the effort? Was she the only princess not rescued from her singleness?

     Each time these feelings of loneliness and doubt arose within her, the King would visit. He knew her deepest insecurities and girlish desires.

He also knew that perfect timing was a gift that only He possessed.

     He would take her into His loving arms and tell her the truth. He had everything in control. There was a prince on his own journey out in world who was searching nobly for the perfect woman. He was seeking the only princess who would complement him, and it was going to be her. The time was just not ripe yet. She just needed to wait and trust the Him.

     Diligently, the princess tried her hardest to trust the King. She often forgot His words and would begin to try and make the climb down herself. Each time He would always be there to gently remind of the perfect timing that was yet to come. With tears of humility and longing, she would return back to the top of her tower and patiently wait again.

     She couldn't barely stand it. The King's words always gave her such excitement. What will it be like when her prince began the climb to meet her? How would she react? How would he know that she is his one? When would she know that he was the perfect fit? With trembling breaths, she would calm herself and return to her window to wait.

     She would wait for him, not because the King forced her to do it. She wouldn't wait because she enjoyed it. She would wait because deep down inside she knew that it would be completely worth it. She knew that the long suffering she endured now would make her prince admire her even more. Ultimately, she knew that the King, who controlled time and destiny, would make all things work out for her good. That was perfectly fine.

The Adventurer Returns (A Metaphor)

    As soon as her sleepy eyes opened from a much needed nap, the adventurer knew she was almost home. The towering slopes of the mountains had leveled out to become flat fields, as if a baker had smoothed out lumpy cookie dough. Although she had enjoyed the mountains and constantly marveled at their guarding presence, there was something welcoming about the fields as well. Some people felt bare and exposed like a bug on a glass table because of the immense panoramic view, but she didn't mind the exposure.

She always tried to find the beauty in everything.

    

     She was an adventurer, an explorer of knowledge. She was still quite new to the job, only being on her own for a couple months, yet she already felt as if she had been on her own for quite some time. It amazed her to see how much she had learned in so short of a time. Her years preparing for her journey had served her well and she couldn't wait to tell her mentors all of her discoveries about herself and the world. She was returning back to her home base for a brief respite before returning to the Great Unknown, which wasn't so scary as it was before.

    

    The young explorer flipped open her journal to review all of her exploration notes, which described all of her observations. Most of the people she met on her journey had no idea how perceptive she was and how extensive her notes were. Although she seemed bubbly and excited everywhere she went, her mind never stopped analyzing the situations she was in. Her notes were well thought.

    

     She had met many people on her exploration, many of whom she became friends with in the short amount of time she was with them. She often thought of them on her journey back to home base. There was the sweet and friendly girl who was very perceptive of other peoples needs, the interesting and enthusiastic girl who always wanted to make the journey full of life, the boy filled with stories and entertainment for the team, the girl who was both quiet and loud at the same time who surprised everyone with her musical skills, the girl who acted as the mother for the group by always looking out for them, and the boy who always brought the group together as one big family. These were only a few of the interesting people she met on her exploration and she found them all intriguing. She would definitely give them a good report when she returned.

    

     At last her eyes spotted home base, which stood smaller than she had remembered. Warm feelings of familiarity flooded her soul when she looked upon it. A smile crossed her lips without her even knowing it.

She was back.

    

     However, it was not the same place. Don't get me wrong. The building itself had not changed at all. There was still the same furniture in its usual places, the same music played over the speakers, and the same schedule was kept by its precious inhabitants. It was the adventurer who had changed. Her life had been so different in the last few months that this life had somewhat faded away like a pleasant dream. It was as if she returned to a good story only to realize that the feelings she had had while she was reading it were not there any more. When the young explorer walked in her old room she laughed! It was exactly how she left it, but it did not feel like hers anymore. It was a strange feeling.

It was strange knowing that she had returned home but didn't quite belong there anymore.

    

     After a few days of settling into the old routine, the adventurer started to desire her new life again. Home base was nice, but she missed the rush of adrenaline and the undiscovered experiences of the unexplored. She missed the companions she had met along the way. Although her heart longed for the comforts of home, inside she knew that she didn't quite belong there anymore. That was alright.

Every season of life is special.

 Every moment is precious.

Every new adventure is exciting.

     Life is a continuous adventure, and she was ready to ride it for all it was worth!